LOU REED & METALLICA - LuLu track breakdown
1. BRANDENBURG GATE - "I would cut my legs and tits off / if i thought of Boris Karloff".... alright. sounds like a Jock Jam version of Angels of Light. Hetfield is going "Small town GUURRRRRRRRLah" in between Reed being drunk. that's the whole song, basically. like for 4 minutes, Reed and Hetfield-ah going SMALL TOWN GUUURRRRRL.
2. THE VIEW - sounds like a LOAD... that's it.. a load. but seriously, it's like a sub-mediocre slam poem with a warm-over Reload riff (JUST ONE RIFF...FOR 5 MINUTES... oh wait here comes a slightly different one). Hetfield is the root or something. Reed just went "WORSHIP! WORSHIP!". Hetfield is the table. i'm not kidding. he said I AM THE TABLE. more than once. I AM THE CHESS BOARD. I AM THE GAME OF TWISTER. I AM THE CANDYMAN VHS YOU FOUND AT GOODWILL.
3. PUMPING BLOOD - oh good, violins. after saying "Pumping Blood" like 12 times, Reed asks... "Pumping Blood?" as if to say "are we really doing this?". the gyst of this song is blood is pumping. holy shit it just more spoken-wordy. if you made a drinking game out of this song... you'd be an asshole who makes drinking games out of shitty records. Reed just said "Dog Prostitute". now that i can get behind... in every sense of the phrase. AHHH. oh dear this one is like 8 minutes. remember when Metallica wrote songs? remember when Lou Reed wrote simple, powerful songs about interesting shit? they snuck in a thrash part, but it makes no sense... but this whole thing makes no sense.i'm tuning out and imagining a Dog Prostitute.
4. MISTRESS DREAD - is that Judge Dredd's secret lover? nah.. she spells it differently. more half-baked speed metal with goth-kids-from-South-Park poetry. i actually wish there was more weird lyrics like "Dog Prostitute" and that "Tits and Karloff" thing. it's better than this "blood, girl" bullshit. jesus CHRIST this shit has been going on for 5 minutes. and there is still like 3 minutes to go. these are some of the most annoyingly hacky lyrics ever.
5. ICED HONEY - i actually really like that title for some reason. sounds like Charles Nelson Riley singing for Seven Mary Three. actually that would rule, so no this doesn't sound like that. so we're using honey jars and butterflies as metaphors for lady parts. that's like a 11th grade poetry workshop no-no. Hetfield says "Iced Hon-AAAYYYYYYYY-ah". this is the man who wrote "Battery". Trapped Under Iced Honey. AHHHHHHHH.
6. CHEAT ON ME - beginning sounds like wannabe King Crimson something-or-other. why couldn't Reed collaborate with them? at least Robert Fripp still knows what is and isn't complete horseshit. 11 COCK MINUTES. don't you steal "Cock Minutes" from me. i mean it. "Why do you cheat on me?. why do I cheat on me?" that's some next level pop-psychology 40 years ago. Reed just said "C'mon!". and now Hetfield is asking 'Why do i Cheat on Me-ah?". i'd like to think they're singing this to each other. so yeah, nearly twelve minutes of grown men asking why they cheat on each other. so Metallica is just a jam band now? and Reed is a passionless slam poet? and i'm going to kill myself while this album plays just so they can get sued for it? i'm cheating on life with a noose. DEEP.
7. FRUSTRATION - opening actually sounds okay. then come the fucking Creed riffs. "Frustraion-ion-ion-ion". "i cry icicles"... eeeeegh. "you and your prickless lover" is okay. song is fucking HILARIOUS at the 2:40 mark and beyond. "SPERMLESS LIKE A GIRL". i'd actually like to hear Brainbombs cover this song... mostly because i'd rather be listening to the Brainbombs right now. this song might be passable if it was just the creepy parts and the spermprick parts and none of this "My Lexicon of Hate" bullshit. great, now they're trying to be the Doors. and here comes the Black Album table scraps (more like WACK album durhuruhururhuurhur). "MARRY ME MARRY ME MARRY ME SPERMLESS LIKE A GIRL" ("spermless like a girl" being his pet name for Lars). i'm convinced Metallica just goes with whatever will make Robert Trulio do his ape-walk deal.
8. LITTLE DOG - more Swans/Angels of Light biting-off going on here. "Little dog with a tiny dick/ little dog will make you sick". "as long as you lift that little doggy face to here cold-hearted pussy". he actually said something like that. this shit is just so hysterical. i get it... the dogs are humans...humans are dogs. 8 minutes of them performing oral sex on each other. cause they're like.. the saaaame, man. i wish Valerie Solanis was still alive. i'd love to know what she thinks of all this... cause she thinks with bullets. "I AM AN UP WHILE YOU'RE A DOWN". is that supposed to be funny? Bestiality as an Allegory for Interpersonal Relationships... and this album still eats balls.
9. DRAGON - "HALUGH-SI-NAAAAAA-TION". okay, this is nothing. thought-deficient empty calorie light beer white cheese doodle nothing. Metal Machine Music was nothing, but it was nothing ON purpose.... WITH purpose. the point was pointlessness, here there isn't even that. THIS SONG IS ALSO 11 MINUTES. the part about biting nipples was kinda cool i guess... but you have to wade through all this mind-crippling flowery bullshit to get to the sadistic goodies Reed once let lead the way. i also think Ulrich has been playing the same beat for the whole record. seriously, one of the most uninspired drum performances ever. Lou Reed is talking about smelling arm pits. take that image to bed with you tonight... LAAAAAAAAAADIES.
10. JUNIOR DAD - bahaha best title ever. sounds like a movie Macauly Culkin and Woody Harelson would've done in 1993, directed by Amy Heckerling, with music by Katrina and the Waves. 19 MINUTES AND 29 SECONDS. that's not even the length of the latest Wormrot LP. i don't even know what's real anymore. i've listened to this whole damn thing. it sounds like some other song... maybe "UNFORGIVEN 5: THE SEARCH FOR GHOST DAD'S GOLD VS. PREDATOR THE QUEST FOR PEACE". sounds like an octogenarian pedophile with syphilitic scabs pocking his lymph nodes doing improvised karaoke over "Hero of the Day". now he talking about teaching a monkey to stop being blind. this is fucking crazy. i could love this if stripped away the camp-fire-under-the-liberal-arts-quad bunk and just did absurd shit like that. this shit is still going. now they're trying to be Godspeed! You Black Emperor. it's been cooler if they tried to be 1984. i mean, like whatever you want... but don't try and incorporate your recent musical interests into your sound when it doesn't fucking work at all. i like Janelle Monae, but i'm not gonna insist the Communion incorporate Android RnB elements into our sound (...except i am, but i digress). hollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit PLAY SOMETHING PLEASE THANK YOU. it's only a twenty minute song, guys. this song would only have been 19 seconds long without all this lame spacey atmospheric nothingness. but i'm sure boneheads will love it cause it's got the Metallica name on it, but if you played them any real ambient band they'd cal you a faggot while extending their long-sleeved-flame-job arms at you and flipping you off with a ring on their middle finger that is in the shape of a hand giving you the finger cause they're DOUBLE TUFF.
so yeah... that was that. worst thing i've heard all year. my brain is trying to escape through an invisible hole just above my left eye. spermless dog prostitutes are cutting off Boris Karloff's tits so prickless monkeys won't cheat on them with tables. done.