Saturday, June 16, 2007

Pizza of the Butt vol. 2

so they fucked up the Fantastic Four AGAIN, this time by making Galactus a bunch of purple tornadoes, cause that's sooooo much cooler than a Giant from Outer Space who EATS WORLDS. they never had a clue.

did some more reviews.

the good;


the bad;

not today

picked up the new Pig Destroyer. it fucking smokes, but must be listened to on a proper stereo system. headphones don't do it justice.

pizza time! pizza time!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Breakfast-Farts vol. 5

as a product of "a generation raised by women", we more often than not forget how to be "real" men. here are our reminders;

so there you have it; real men hang around in swamps filled with demon-lizards and cannibal crabs (umm..wouldn't that be crabs that eat other crabs? and if so, why fight them? they'll just kill each other and then we can take what's left of their illustrious crab-civilization for ourselves). also we are only fit to marry virgins aka young girls aka CHILDREN, which means that, despite our tendency to protect buxom blonds in wet torn up attire from hellion crawlers, we're pedophiles. oh and there is also a conspiracy against men who visit hookers.

i've learned much from the much-men. time to go fight me some flesh eating crabs.

oh i get it...CRABS! it's sexual! wowsers.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Pizza of the Butt vol. 1

NP: The START - Gorgeous

this day went by pretty quickly. gloomy, soupy day outside. woke up later than usual to find not only the new Sleepytime Gorilla Museum in the mailbox, but also a package of 22 promo cd for review. already did 5 of them.

the good;

SGM - In Glorious Times
PSYOPUS - Our Puzzling Encounters Considered

the bad;

MAN MUST DIE - The Human Condition
LENG TCH'E - Marasmus

the unspeakably hideously shit-god awful;

TUB RING - the Great Filter

tonight on Sundance there's a double feature; Vampyros Lesbos and Vital (take that, IFC's Grind House AND Turner Movie Classics' Underground), i just ate half a pizza pie, and now there is cheese in my butt. started writing another new song entitled "HELLION CRAWLER".

all in all, an awesome day.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I Dunno, Just a Thought vol. 9

let's talk about Dinosaurs Attack!

Dinosaurs Attack! was a trading card series produced by Topps in the late 80s. designed to invoke their previous cult series Mars Attacks!, as well as capitalizing on the Dinosaur craze (i remember that fondly), Topps went ahead and produced this bizarrely violent card series.

the story starts out simple enough. Through a rift in time, the Dinosaurs find themselves in Regan's America, where they proceed to maim, mutilate, and mangle just about every living thing they come in contact with. The series pulled no punches, and never missed an opportunity to show the goriest of demises, be the victims men, women, children, hair metal bands, dogs, lions...yes, i said LIONS. here are some choice cuts;

at some point, the plot reveals that the Dinosaurs are actually being controlled by "the Supreme Monstrosity". essentially, the Supreme Monstrosity is Dinosaur Satan, and he wants to use the dinosaurs to control the world for some reason. around this point, the humans start fighting back (as illustrated in the "Little Girl Fights Back" and "Cat Lady's Revenge" cards), and the human scientist discovers a way to send the dinosaurs back to their time. naturally, this angers the Supreme Monstrosity, and he comes for the scientist;
as the scientist is being reduced to a cinder in the palm of the Supreme Monstrosity, he tells his wife to activate...whatever the hell it is that will send the Dinosaurs back. she does, and the Dinosaurs are ripped back through the time portal in tornadoes of gore;
the scientist, now close to death; leaves these parting images and words;

keep in mind, these cards were aimed at CHILDREN. and that's what i fucking love about them.

the people who made Dinosaurs Attack! knew their audience; blood thirsty young boys who like big monsters killing shit. i know i was like that (still am to a degree). all Dinosaurs Attack! did was go where no toy line dared go; right into the guts. I remember the dinosaur craze...the cuddly creatures of the Land Before Time, the super-heroics of the Dinosaucers...Dinosaurs Attack! went for the Horror/Sci-Fi/Scare Tactics....and also latent religious themes;

Dinosaurs are from a Godless Time, and their higher power (the Supreme Monstrosity) only wishes to manipulate them for his own means. our higher power, granted us a soul...a conscious...which grants us the ability to rationalize, clarify, and love. Our higher power does not wish to exploit us. but the Dinosaurs are just tools for the Supreme Monstrosity. Satan found a race of creatures that did not know of God, thus they were more susceptible to his influence. if these creatures took over God's earth, than God would no longer have Power, and the Supreme Monstrosity would have won.

so we have ultra-violence, giant lizards, Dinosaur Satan, and perhaps most monstrous of all; Christian Undertones. How could you not love it?

i dunno...just a thought.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Breakfast-Farts vol. 4

when i listen to soft AM Radio hits from the 70s (Juice Newton's "Angel of the Morning", Carpenters "Superstar", whoever sang "All By Myself"), for some reason I have trailers for gory slasher films that don't exist running in my head. something about the self-absorbed serenity and cynically-aware-of-its-lushness production just makes me picture an ax splitting the top of someone's skull or screaming women tied to beds, rope-burns and cigarette blisters all over their person.

Friday, June 1, 2007

I Dunno, Just a Thought vol. 8

(the threat is real)

Amanda Palmer plays "Creep"

as i watch and listen to this footage, where Dresden Dolls frontwoman Ms. Palmer appears to be walking across tables, playfully singing a Radiohead tune to an adoring crowd, my place as a fan of work becomes abundantly clear.

i am to Amanda Palmer what that fat guy in red facepaint was to Bjork.

i am an intense admirer of her work...a big fan...but as i listen to the cat calls of Palmer friends i realize that these people would reject me. they would say i wasn't good enough to be a fan, let alone a friend to her. i'm not trendy enough or good looking enough. i don't have a depression you can sing along with. it's not enough that some of her songs break my heart in ways that make me come back for more...i'm the face whose nose is smudging the window. the guy who might send you a letter bomb. the guy whose life is like watching someone else vomit.

i've imagined all the meeting, her telling me that my stuff makes her doing some showing up on her doorstep, dressed as her, greasepaint smeared from the rain, forcing a waltz to her version of DCFC's "I Will Follow You Into the Dark". making the "wallflowers" wilt under our gore.

i dunno...just a thought.