Sunday, June 29, 2014

We Are the Sprocket BOOMS vol. 215

TRANS4MERS: AGE OF BROSTINCTION : a perception based review;

Before anyone born was born, ornately detailed robot giants from space decided to wipe out the dinosaurs cause BOOMS. Flash-forward to whatever year this is; villains played by respectable character actors (hired to put forth the illusion of prestige ie John Malkovich in Con-Air) are hunting and killing these other robot giants from space so they can use the parts to make robot giants not from space.

Enter Mahck Whahlberg. He’s some kind of mechanic who is also a farmer (excuse me; Fahmuh). Also he has a vessel-for-the-director’s-perverted-fixations (called “daughter” in the “script”). Mahcky Mahck finds a huge truck with totally wicked sweet flames painted on it. he fiddles around with tools (or farming equipment) and comes to the conclusion that “WE JUST FOWND A TRANSFORMAH. HEY TRANSFORMAH. I LIKE HOW YOU TRANSFORM. I’M ALSO A FAHMUH. A TRANSFAHMUH. BUT NO HOMO” (translated from Crayon).

Anygay, the evil slumming-it players finds Boogie Nights and says they murder rape the fetish vessel if they don’t give up the Truckformer. This is answered with SWOOSH BOOMS to escape. Along the way we encounter some racist stereotypes (probably asian), a callback to a better movie (hint: “Calmer Than You Are), and Final Boss Robot who wants to destroy robots or humans or turn humans into robots or turn robots into humans… whatever… he’s got a city sized space cannon that makes BOOMS.

After roughly 83 minutes of combat and bass drops, Optimus Priz-Ime remembers “oh wait, I know of these huge dino-mech things living in the earth since forever. I’ll go get them”, and the audience is all like “why didn’t you ride this fire-breathing Cyber-Dragon into battle EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU HAD A BATTLE. YOU COULD’VE SAVED COUNTLESS LIVES AND SPARED US 3 MORE MOVIES OF THE SAME BULLSHIT. THANKS OBAMA”.

So anyway, Dino-Bots… the shit you came to see… the cornerstone of the film’s marketing… yeah they show up with roughly 15 minutes left in the film’s near 3hr running time. FIRE ROAR BOOMS, robot faces being ripped from their robot faces (Optimus Prime is a fucking serial killer, by the way), montage of spray tans and the military, empty headed platitude that offers a vague promise of more bullshit to come, Linkin Park song, post credit bullshit, trip to toy store/car dealership.

We are dead inside, and this is the necrophilia.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Awww Yeah vol. 29

A Rosebud by Any Other Name Would Smell Like Shit

don't be a lemon... be a rosebud.

It's a Funny World We Live In vol. 59

Boy finds mummified body hanging in home

A boy stumbled upon a mummified corpse hang by the neck from a belt in this house in this empty house in Ohio.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Awwww Yeah vol. 28

Karen DeCrow shouts to a crowd during a 1975 NOW parade in Philadelphia. (Bill Ingraham/Associated Press)

The Feminist Leader Who Became a Men's-Rights Activist

Karen DeCrow served as president of the National Organization for Women, but she often broke with feminist orthodoxy.

In a 1994 interview, she lamented that “in the battle between the sexes, men and women will go practically to the end of the earth in illogical, irrational ways to give each other pain.” It’s telling that DeCrow saw such behavior as mutual; she was also sympathetic to the controversial argument that domestic violence is a two-way street. In the 1970s, she had fought sexist rape laws that allowed victims to be questioned about their chastity; in the early 1990s, she applauded Katie Roiphe’s critique of “rape-crisis feminism,” The Morning After, as a courageous challenge to a “new puritanism” that depicted women as perpetual victims of male predation. Recalling the bad old days when girls were taught to deny both their brains and their sexuality, DeCrow was tangibly impatient with the idea that “being whistled at, or even slurped at” amounted to “oppression.”