i feel profoundly awful right about now. last time i blow off a friend. there's more to it, though. something bad is happening...i flipped my father off. mother shot me a dirty look. i deserved it. that's my problem...that's what i deserve; dirty looks. i don't deserve anything good that has happened to me. at least not today...not when i let something trivial like shitty weather, no money, and a lack of sleep get in the way of an afternoon in the city. i used to not care. today i did and it sucked. caring sucks. i feel awful. hopefully a hug will be coming later. at least I've got that. but i don't deserve a hug. i don't deserve soft spoken i-love-yous. i don't deserve to feel good. i deserve a hot iron pressed into my back, scars forming alien scripture on either side of my spine. i deserve chemical burns that form into mocking smiles across my face. i deserve a crow flying at full speed crashing into my head, impaling itself into the back of my skull, its beak picking at the worm I've made of this brain. i deserve to have the crust around my eyes form into jagged shards of glass that cut my hands and scratch my retina as i wake. maybe then I'll be a more apt reflection of what i really am on the inside and people will know well enough to keep away, for this is merely a fraction of the ruin i will make of their lives should they be kind enough to invite me inside.
fuck me. for not knowing how to keep a simple plan. i fucking hate winter so much. fuck this bullshit. fuck Christmas. fuck the War on Christmas.
Everyone; i'm deeply sorry for being me. i know i've let you down on a near consistent basis. if i had the visceral fortitude i would just off myself and let you all move on. but alas...i suck. i guess i don't care enough about myself to commit suicide.
hey howbout that? i don't care! guess everything will be OK afterall.
Just Needed to Share.
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