last year i did a play-by-play of the 2009 Grammy Awards. i intended to do one for this years awards, but i was actually out (*gasp!*). from the little i've heard of last night's self congratulating trouser vacuum, it doesn't sound like i missed much.
where was i? i was at the Crazy Donkey, partaking in a free big dumb metal show featuring the likes of GOATWHORE, SUFFOCATION, BEHEMOTH, and DEVILDRIVER.
well i missed Goatwhore, but that's ok since i saw them back in october w/ EYEHATEGOD and PIG DESTROYER on a boat (the first 100 people who mention that SNL sketch will be Super-Soakered with Kerosene and stoned to death with flaming bottles of everclear. The next 100 will have a gas mask with thumb tacks driven into it strapped tightly to their heads, which will be connected to a six foot tube that itself has been strapped to an overweight Dragonforce fan's ass, who will proceed to blow buffalo chicken egg diarrhea farts up the tube and into the mask). Besides, i can bet they only played mostly stuff off the last 2 records, which are pretty weak. Ben's other band SOILENT GREEN is way more interesting to me anyway.
I did get to catch 3 and a half songs from Suffocation. Pierced from Within was one of the first death metal records i ever obsessed over, so it was pretty cool seeing them. i have a feeling if i had seen the whole set i might have been a bit bored, but they were tight and looked like they were enjoying themselves (even if frontman Frank Mullen's Tatanka stage moves were a bit dopey at times). on a somewhat related note; last night i had a dream where i saw a free Suffocation show at a local bar, and they closed out their set with a cover of "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice. pretty funny visual... may have to do an interpretation of that someday.
I didn't see Behemoth (and judging by this video, i missed the comedy of the century), because after Suffo was Devildriver, and there is only so much my soul can take. I tried toughing it out, but i just couldn't deal with the excruciating minutia of their performance. Their music (which is 15 different levels of awful combined with over 1000 lbs of stupid) coupled with a stench in the air that could only be explained as the collective virginity of everyone in the room manifesting itself into an shroud of near excremental B.O., caused my eyes to water with scalding tears that singed my nerves into a putty that corroded what was left of my already sub-attachment to the world around me.
for those who don't know, the singer for Devildriver used to be in COAL CHAMBER, a fucking abysmal mash-up of over produced west coast nu-metal and suburban kindergoth fashion statements. the closest thing they ever had to a "hit" was a vile ass-raping of Peter Gabriel's seminal "Shock the Monkey", complete w/ Ozzy slumming it in a guest vocal spot (Sharon Osborne was Coal Chamber's manager). this is what they looked like;
Devildriver's frontman is the one with the neon green corn rows with matching chin braid. so yeah, imagine this candy ass now trying to be a tough guy frontman for a derivative groove/thrash band, saying "fuck" every other word and wearing a brand new FEAR t-shirt. the following sentence will be fed through the 90s tough guy metal singer filter: needless to fucking say, fucking Devil fucking Driver fucking sucked fucking shit, mother fuckers. every time he busted out some Anselmo approved chestnut of mongo-wisdom ("fucking make some mother fucking noise mother fucking mother fuckerrrrssss!!!!!"), i couldn't help but think that 10 years ago, this asshead was wearing mesh tank-tops, dying his hair with Crystal Light, and reenacting UFC Pay Per Views with his and the twink guitar player's tongues. Saying "fuck" a bunch, orange-drinking-up the awesome out of Bay Area Thrash riffs, and wearing "vintage" t-shirts won't make you any less of a posturing queerbait, so grab some VIO-LENCE and fuck yourself into nothing, clownshoes. the dude also has no voice. at all. what words i could make out were so embarrassingly generic that if i cringed any harder i'd give myself Parkinson's. "It's Always Darkest before the Daaaawwwwwwwwn!" and "I Could Care LEHESSS!" be the ones that almost made me a tornado of Michael J. Fox.
but i digress.
this particular brand of boneheaded moshcore wore out it's welcome ten years ago when every album on Pavement Records found its way into the cut-out bin, never to return again (still have my LUNGBRUSH album). The kids ate it up, though, so who am i to begrudge them a good time?
a weird salty bitter sore old crank who nobody ever liked, that's who. During much of the set, i felt like Steve Buscemi in this scene from Ghost World.
Summation: Devildriver is more gay than a dick in your ear.
it should also be noted that Devildriver used this song as their "intro" music" before they went into their set:
... which i guess shows that you can take the goth out of the mall, but you can't take the mall out of the goth.
Fuck My Life.
ps: next COMMUNION show, we'll be using this as our intro.