Monday, February 1, 2010

Fuck My Life vol. 23

last year i did a play-by-play of the 2009 Grammy Awards. i intended to do one for this years awards, but i was actually out (*gasp!*). from the little i've heard of last night's self congratulating trouser vacuum, it doesn't sound like i missed much.

where was i? i was at the Crazy Donkey, partaking in a free big dumb metal show featuring the likes of GOATWHORE, SUFFOCATION, BEHEMOTH, and DEVILDRIVER.

well i missed Goatwhore, but that's ok since i saw them back in october w/ EYEHATEGOD and PIG DESTROYER on a boat (the first 100 people who mention that SNL sketch will be Super-Soakered with Kerosene and stoned to death with flaming bottles of everclear. The next 100 will have a gas mask with thumb tacks driven into it strapped tightly to their heads, which will be connected to a six foot tube that itself has been strapped to an overweight Dragonforce fan's ass, who will proceed to blow buffalo chicken egg diarrhea farts up the tube and into the mask). Besides, i can bet they only played mostly stuff off the last 2 records, which are pretty weak. Ben's other band SOILENT GREEN is way more interesting to me anyway.

I did get to catch 3 and a half songs from Suffocation. Pierced from Within was one of the first death metal records i ever obsessed over, so it was pretty cool seeing them. i have a feeling if i had seen the whole set i might have been a bit bored, but they were tight and looked like they were enjoying themselves (even if frontman Frank Mullen's Tatanka stage moves were a bit dopey at times). on a somewhat related note; last night i had a dream where i saw a free Suffocation show at a local bar, and they closed out their set with a cover of "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice. pretty funny visual... may have to do an interpretation of that someday.

I didn't see Behemoth (and judging by this video, i missed the comedy of the century), because after Suffo was Devildriver, and there is only so much my soul can take. I tried toughing it out, but i just couldn't deal with the excruciating minutia of their performance. Their music (which is 15 different levels of awful combined with over 1000 lbs of stupid) coupled with a stench in the air that could only be explained as the collective virginity of everyone in the room manifesting itself into an shroud of near excremental B.O., caused my eyes to water with scalding tears that singed my nerves into a putty that corroded what was left of my already sub-attachment to the world around me.

for those who don't know, the singer for Devildriver used to be in COAL CHAMBER, a fucking abysmal mash-up of over produced west coast nu-metal and suburban kindergoth fashion statements. the closest thing they ever had to a "hit" was a vile ass-raping of Peter Gabriel's seminal "Shock the Monkey", complete w/ Ozzy slumming it in a guest vocal spot (Sharon Osborne was Coal Chamber's manager). this is what they looked like;



Devildriver's frontman is the one with the neon green corn rows with matching chin braid. so yeah, imagine this candy ass now trying to be a tough guy frontman for a derivative groove/thrash band, saying "fuck" every other word and wearing a brand new FEAR t-shirt. the following sentence will be fed through the 90s tough guy metal singer filter: needless to fucking say, fucking Devil fucking Driver fucking sucked fucking shit, mother fuckers. every time he busted out some Anselmo approved chestnut of mongo-wisdom ("fucking make some mother fucking noise mother fucking mother fuckerrrrssss!!!!!"), i couldn't help but think that 10 years ago, this asshead was wearing mesh tank-tops, dying his hair with Crystal Light, and reenacting UFC Pay Per Views with his and the twink guitar player's tongues. Saying "fuck" a bunch, orange-drinking-up the awesome out of Bay Area Thrash riffs, and wearing "vintage" t-shirts won't make you any less of a posturing queerbait, so grab some VIO-LENCE and fuck yourself into nothing, clownshoes. the dude also has no voice. at all. what words i could make out were so embarrassingly generic that if i cringed any harder i'd give myself Parkinson's. "It's Always Darkest before the Daaaawwwwwwwwn!" and "I Could Care LEHESSS!" be the ones that almost made me a tornado of Michael J. Fox.

but i digress.

this particular brand of boneheaded moshcore wore out it's welcome ten years ago when every album on Pavement Records found its way into the cut-out bin, never to return again (still have my LUNGBRUSH album). The kids ate it up, though, so who am i to begrudge them a good time?

a weird salty bitter sore old crank who nobody ever liked, that's who. During much of the set, i felt like Steve Buscemi in this scene from Ghost World.

Summation: Devildriver is more gay than a dick in your ear.

it should also be noted that Devildriver used this song as their "intro" music" before they went into their set:



... which i guess shows that you can take the goth out of the mall, but you can't take the mall out of the goth.

Fuck My Life.

ps: next COMMUNION show, we'll be using this as our intro.

8 comments:

Aaron said...

When I saw the thumbnail of Coal Chamber in my blog roll I immediately sensed trouble so I had to see what the fuck was going on. I'm not as much of a music snob as I used to be, and while I do agree that DevilDriver is dumbed-down Metal of the highest order (or lowest?), I don't mind them that much. I saw them live a few times when I used to work at a music venue and thought they put on a decent show. They don't attract the most intelligent of fans, but what else can you expect at a Metal show? I've never seen Goatwhore or Suffocation live yet but I'm anticipating the opportunity. I missed a chance to see Goatwhore and Sunn O))) in Vegas when I lived there and I really regret not going.

jay78 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jay78 said...

Back in '98 or '99 my friend scored a couple of free tickets from his work to see Megadeth live. I hadn't listened to them since middle school, but it was a free show... The crowd was exactly what you would expect back then: a bunch of middle-aged dudes clad in their high school leather jackets, white high top sneakers, with mullets bouncing (this was well before mullets became ironic, but nonetheless, still stupid as fuck looking) in the cigarette-filled arena. The crowd was amped to see Dave Mustaine and Megadeth only. So, when the scary baby dolls of Coal Chamber opened on stage with their downtuned guitars and over animated puppet movements, the crowd went ape shit violent. Lit cigarettes, half drank cups of beer, articles of clothing--you name it--went hurdling towards the stage, amongst taunts to the likes of , "fucking faggots! get off the stage!" and so on... They ended their set around 10 minutes into it. It ranks at the top of one of my greatest live music experiences. Just thought I'd share.

Nick said...

awesome.

in 1997 Coal Chamber opened for Pantera. when they played Boston, Anal Cunt was the opener. After AC played, Seth Putnam (frontman) said "Thanks we're Anal Cunt. Up next is a really gay band called Coal Chamber".

Coal Chamber also tried to do a headlining tour w/ Insane Clown Posse as the opener in '99, but ICP drew way more people, and after their set was over, Coal Chamber was playing to near-empty halls. in response, Coal Chamber had ICP kicked off the tour, essentially blaming them for the fact that no one (outside of a few tasteless fighting-with-mom weenies) gave a shit about the show.

I'm no ICP fan. but it's pretty well documented that they have a fairly large, loyal following. It's also pretty funny that even Juggalos couldn't stomach Coal Chamber's set.

jay78 said...

Hilarious on many levels. I think it's kind of a shame that AC was playing before the Coal-tards. And I never thought I'd come to a day where I would hear that ICP is more preferred over ANY act.

Aaron said...

"It's also pretty funny that even Juggalos couldn't stomach Coal Chamber's set."

Ha! Agreed

emanonguy said...

Coal Chamber getting booed off stage at a Megadeth concert is certainly no surprise. Coal Chamber being hated more than ICP IS. EPIC.

Nick said...

i was a touch misinformed about the Coal Chamber/ICP drama. here's the correct info;

After Woodstock 1999, Insane Clown Posse began its "Amazing Jeckel Brothers Tour", along with musicians Biohazard, Krayzie Bone, Twiztid, Mindless Self Indulgence, and Coal Chamber.[40] Biohazard, Mindless Self Indulgence, Krayzie Bone, and Twiztid were well-received by audiences;[40] however, Coal Chamber was not. Insane Clown Posse fans were not purchasing tickets, as they did not like Coal Chamber.[40] For the three shows that Coal Chamber played, there were multiple ticket refunds.[40] Bruce and his brother, Rob, made the decision to eliminate Coal Chamber from the tour. After doing so, there were no tickets returned for the remainder of the tour dates.[40] Bruce and Utsler claimed that Coal Chamber had been removed from the tour because of equipment problems, but later revealed the true reason for their actions on The Howard Stern Show, which aired August 19, 1999.[40] Bruce continued by saying, "Nobody will tell you that, because everybody's afraid of your crumpet-ass bitch manager."[40] Later that night Stern contacted Bruce and Utsler, asking them to appear on his show the following day to talk with Coal Chamber's manager, Sharon Osbourne.[40]

Before the show went on air, Osbourne bet Bruce and Utsler US$50,000 that Insane Clown Posse's next album would not even sell 200,000 copies—a bet that Bruce accepted.[40] On air Osbourne informed Bruce and Utsler that Coal Chamber filed a lawsuit for breach of contract.[41] Osbourne stated that her group was to receive US$12,500 per show for a scheduled two-month package tour. Bruce reiterated that Coal Chamber's music did not appeal to Insane Clown Posse fans, and that ticket refunds decreased after Coal Chamber had been removed from the tour.[41] Osbourne then made public the bet with Bruce about Insane Clown Posse's next album, also stating that the duo would be subsequently dropped from their distributor. In Osbourne's words, "You're dead. Your career is over."[41] Bruce predicted that the group's next album would sell at least 500,000 copies;[41] however, the bet officially stood at 200,000 copies as agreed by both Bruce and Osbourne backstage.[40]