Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Fuck YOUR Life vol. 6

Hey.

HEY.

Hey you..

yeah you... the no-name generic metal band looking for some modicum of attention and/or popularity visa-vi an ironic cover of a Lady Gaga song.

KILL-RAPE YOURSELF IN THE ECOLI-GUNT WHERE YOUR SOUL WOULD BE.



ahk.



AHHHKUH.




AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUKUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH.

...This one is ok.



.......



it's like they know they have no chance of turning any heads with their overproduced mediocre 8th generation Heartwork riffs and asthmatic pterodactyl bro-kills worn so thin that they border on anorexic, so maybe if they reinterpret the bland style trumping substance glitter disco of an over-hyped sub-intellectual club puddle who through clever theft of genuinely transgressive artists, designers, and the like has deluded even the more respectable music enthusiasts out there that she is an Cultural Iconoclast, they'll receive some of the residue of her brain-scramblingly peculiar rise to fame and fortune.

i reiterate;



02/11/10 EDIT

....mother of god....

2:10 mark.

10 comments:

emanonguy said...

At least Meshuggah hasn't shown any signs of vomiting forth such atrocities.

Then I'd have to eviscerate myself.

Nick said...

give me a little more Autopsy and a little less At The Gates, please. this glib cutesy glittercore nonsense needs to fuck the fuck off already. i want skuzzy nihilsts who bleed swamp gas and vomit toxic waste, thurning the audience into that dude from 'Robocop'.

emanonguy said...

I've noticed that about your metal posts. I'm not a hundred percent on the same page in my fandom of metal - that said, these emometal bands with their generic gen-y Hot Topic bred "hipster" gear and that child's-tantrum-cum-dance move bullshit are a step away from Fall Out Boy.

I will say that musically, and without knowing the lyrics(which I'm sure are insipid, trite and generally very bad suburban high school poetry-like), I find the new crop of metal to be substantially better than nu-metal. It's a very face value, reading a book by it's cover judgement, but for what it's worth, at least these bands tend to like actually playing metal that is actually heavy, sometimes even *gasp* fast!

I probably wouldn't give two shits and just write the genre off, but I was in Fayetteville, NC in the tail end of '08 and saw a couple of these bands, and it happens to make a decent side story.

So Fayetteville is home to Fort Bragg, where the 82nd and a number of other special warfare units reside. The base is about 19 square miles and houses just under 30k grunting soldiers. Needless to say, there's plenty of shenanigans around town not a whole lot to do. So little, that only one enterprising young man has a venue dedicated to music for the entire town. Being the good dude he is, proprietor Shawn invites an array of bands, though they are frequently of the hard rock and metal variety.

During my short contract related stay, two such bands from Chi-town played a double night show:

From All Within

and

The Doomsday Catalyst

And you know what? They're nice kids, and got a lot of enthusiasm, and they hate nu-metal. Maybe they're not even at the level of the laughable but entertaining Dimmu Borgir, but considering that Fayetteville has more tatoo shops than bars, and more strip clubs than tattoo shops, I had what fun I could.

Both bands shared a roadie/merch bitch who's name I can't remember, but who is a close friend of both bands. He's got the hardcore "dance" down pat, not that it's hard, and he clearly enjoyed making at least a sorta-joke of it.

I was chatting up the photographer/girlfriends of the band when some no-neck fat Frankensiten soldiers kid was doing his very best to imitate the moves of the big city boys. Needless to say, when you're fat and vaugely australopithecine, balance can be somewhat challenging. As such, the backwards-arm-flailing movement was, in hindsight, not the best choice for Son of Frankenstein as he quickly lost his balance and floundered at a 30 degree angle with shuffling feet akin to something from a Looney Toons cartoon until gravity compelled him to splashdown like the Apollo capsule, ass first and whiplashed head following.

As any corn fed, sheltered young troglodyte (seeking to impress who he sees as cool) would, he quickly got up and put his beefy frame to work shaking off his embarrassing injury, unawares that his efforts to impress were equally as embarrassing.

The girls and I were quite tickled, though I'm sure our intrepid hero has built himself a small cache of firearms and tactical gear to exact his revenge on the popular kids of his local high school...

emanonguy said...

Another metal story I like to share, on the topic of Meshuggah:

I actually got really close to swearing off metal for a while, with nu-metal being so embarrassing. At that time(mid to late 90's) I was poor and broadband internet didn't exist, so it took effort discover new bands. Shortly thereafter, I met the gal who would become my wife, and she both brought me out of my sheltered world and introduced me to a plethora of new music well outside my normal zone of blues, classic rock and metal. Both getting used to not paying attention to metal and having a whole new world to explore distracted me from my metally duties for quite a while. The one band I'd discovered in the interim that didn't make me want to kill myself was Meshuggah.

In the early days of broadband, my friend Ash and I would spend exorbitant amounts of time in the denizens of IRC collecting pointless warez and hoarding music. As he was a bit more connected - and I was "testing" the fruits of our warez/games/porn collecting habits - most of the music gathered during this pre-Napster time was some various form of Electronica. But he stumbled upon this little band called Meshuggah, and he knew I would like it.

Before Google, in case anyone has forgotten, search engines sucked hairy donkey dick, and were never better than the paltry Dogpile. Needless to say, this meant that information about Meshuggah was also paltry.

It was years before I found anything, partly because I have ADD and a brain like a civ - you could put spaghetti in my head and get the same result. But when I did, I found my best friend had their albums Future Breed Machine and Chaosphere.

I was hooked. I'd tell anyone who liked metal about Meshuggah, and had there been a Meshuggah cheerleader outfit I would have grabbed Meshuggah pom-poms and been at every concert.

Then came time to actually see them live, during Ministry's farewell "C-U-La Tour". After their set, my friend and I were outside and bumped into their drum tech for Southern California, some dude named Mike.

Mike was nice enough, and liked to tell stories of his adventures in drum tech-ing, which in spite of his obvious need to brag were entertaining. Especially his story about Maynard James Keenan of Tool.

As I'd brought my cover to "Catch 33", I asked Mike if he could arrange a signing. Mike informed me that Tomas Haake, Meshuggah's drummer is the band's unofficial spokesman and would make an appearance later in the night. And in either case, he'd take my cover backstage and get it signed.

As a drummer myself, I was pretty stoked to meet the legendary Haake. We spent time talking drums, metal and touring, general fan-centric music talk.

When it came time for Tomas to rejoin his bandmates and pack up for the hotel, I told Tomas that I had at one point been so embarrassed and ashamed of metal with the rise of nu-metal, and combined with the relative lack of output from any decent bands, had basically lost faith in the genre that brought out the heart-on-the-sleeve, passionate idealist. And that it was Meshuggah who had sparked my desire and passion for metal and in no small way for drumming.

emanonguy said...

Tomas was clearly taken aback by my overflowing appreciation, and said "Really? Wow, thanks man" with a look that I can only describe as being honestly moved. He reached out his hands, one a farther than the other, and I assumed he was moving to shake, at best a bro-pound. But that rather large Swede had other things in mind, and no sooner than my hand had grasped his he promptly engulfed me in a big Swedish full-on hug. An unashamed, man-to-man hug.

And needless to say, I'll always have a spot in my heart for Tomas and the boys in Meshuggah. I'd suspected from the moment I saw their video for New Millenium Cyanide Christ that they were pretty down to earth, normal dudes. I think my little Cinderella moment with Tomas is the icing on the cake of proof (aside from a couple of decades of music that has clearly been uninterested in catering to even the mainstream of metal tastes) of a group uninterested in being rockstars, and emboding ass kickery.

And if there's a shred of that in any of these emometal bands, I rarely - in fact only once - ever see it.

And if that ain't a sad state for metal, I don't know what is. But I'll always have Meshuggah.

yerktoader said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
emanonguy said...

Whoops, that link to the venue was done incorrectly:

http://therockshop.homestead.com/AboutUs.html

Nick said...

well by the time Nu-Metal rolled around i was already listening to Soilent Green (my favorite band to this day), Meshuggah (Chaosphere sounds like an extraterrestrial bar fight), Strapping Young Lad, Emperor, Morbid Angel, Anal Cunt, Brutal Truth, Napalm Death, Eyehategod, Cattlepress, Nuclear Death, and all sorts of death metal, grind, black metal, weird/cool metallic hardcore, and power violence.. so nu-metal/rap-rock etc was little more to me than bubble gum bullshit for little girls looking to live down their Backstreet Boys infatuations and fat kids who thought WWF t-shirts of "scary guy" wrestlers made them appear intimidating. even my friends who were still stuck on Grunge and Marilyn Manson saw through the Nu-Metal facade.

I actually did like Deftones (still do as a matter of fact), but they really moved past the bitch-did-me-wrong-in-middle-school antics and pussed-out Sepultura riffs and became almost post-goth with some screaming groove metal tossed in. i also like the cryptic nature of their lyrics. i also like the first System of a Down album, but i got that when it first came out and no one knew or cared about who they were until like 2 years later when "Sugar" became a hit. they lost me with the next few records. the rest of the nu-metal scene was just hollow clones of Faith No More/Mr. Bungle, Tool, Helmet, Pantera, Rage Against the Machine, and Alice in Chains, only bouncier and dumber. I liked all those bands i just mentioned, so what did i need a piss-poor xerox for?

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick said...

it was mildly aggrivating/perpetually amusing when some jockich scrotepoker who used to give me endless shit for listening to "kill your mother" music would now try ot cozy up to me cause he thought i'd be into the new Limp Bizkit video (Break Stuff BRO!), or that i'd be impressed with the Slipknot hoodie he got at their "crazy" show. meanwhile i just got the new Cryptopsy album, i'm (at the time) doing vocals for a band that sounds like a heavier faster version of early Fear Factory, and i'm obsessing over Immolation, Norwegian Black Metal, New Orleans sludge bands, and rape movies from the 70s.

so needless to say... i still wasn't getting any. but who needs horny teenage girls when you got the Metal Disc catalog, Anal Cunt is playing one town over, and the local college radio station played your request for a Soilent Green song?

i win again.....

http://4gifs.com/gallery/d/2641-7/BudDwyerSuicideP1.gif