Wednesday, June 29, 2011

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 192

Transformers: Bark of the Moon - intellectual apocalypse/lingerie commericals

First, they fought their enemy. Then, they fought their adversary. Now, they face their greatest challenge; a villain.

once again, Imaginary Robot Army one fights Imaginary robot army two in the conclusion to Michael Bay's (Used Trojan) Magnum Opus; TRANSFORMERS. Shia LaQuiff returns with a different hot girlfriend, the same annoying parents, and other aggressive obnoxious caricatures that exist only in the minds of the most hateful of teenage child-boy.

Oh, and there's robots too.

This time, we learn that the moon is filled with Decepticons, and they've decided to break free (even though i don't think they were held captive, but whatever) and construct a robot bridge that will connect Earth to Cyberton, allowing them the turn earth into a more giant robot friendly place to live. how is this different to the plot of the first film? well... there's a bridge... and Cycloptic newbie named Shockwave with his giant mechanized tapeworms that burrow into the earth and facilitate the transformation from not-robot to robot.

i think the Russians are involved somehow....but who cares? you're gonna go see it cause you're stupid, masochistic, and don't give a shit about anything beyond temporary removal of your psychological troubles. Truth is... i don't care either. I didn't even watch the fucking thing. I was going to, but after the first two i just don't have it in me anymore. This review is based solely on my impressions of the first two movies and the general consensus of those of you whose brains aren't calcified butt-smoke.

yeah yeah i know... "it ain't Shakes-Spear DURRHURRHURRHUR". you stupid fucking animals who drop that anti-observational chestnut every time something retarded is called out for being something retarded can fuck your reverse-souls into uterine scalding bonedust. these aren't stupid movies because they're based on a line of toy cars who turn into robo-samurais. they're stupid movies because they're stupid movies. with the right kind of writing, acting, directing, etc... even the most ridiculously vapid ideas can be turned into something that is at the very least watchable. Is it really too much too ask that these people, who are being given sums of money that probably didn't even exist 40-50 years ago to make something that other people will spend their hard earned dollars to view... y'know... decent? maybe not be such money-grubbing cynical assholes and actually work on making something that at least attempts to be greater than the sum of its parts? take a little pride in your work, perhaps?

no? fine. good. go fuck yourself.

i'm through. i don't need to see it. i know what it is. It's the same revolting gear-and-oil kaleidoscope of indecipherable FX, USA A-OKAY sanctimony, and toy ad cynicism as before. there's even an awful Linkin Park single to tie it all together. seriosuly... i fucking loathe this band. they're not even Nine Inch N'Sync anymore... just fucking N'Sync, but i digress.

please watch something good.

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