Thursday, July 9, 2009

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 92

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN – explosions/robots humping

Heh heh heh… wow.

The first installment of We are the Sprocket Holes was a mockingly self indulgent review of 2007’s TRANSFORMERS. 2 years later, and no amount of sarcastic pretensions or pretentious sarcasm can ever convey to you what kind of idiocy is in store here.

Quite simply, REVENGE OF THE FALLEN is retarded. Retarded with a backwards R. and later… an upside down R. A toyetic gonzo porn for heavy metal military fetishists and the most vapid and juvenile of fanboy… you know, the kinds who just can’t handle the “intellectual subtlety” of your typical comic book or video game adaptation. They can only grasp action figures (in the literal and figurative sense), which is why a property of arrested development such as TRANSFORMERS is such a lucrative venture.

REVENGE OF THE FALLEN doesn't want to be a blockbuster. it wants to be the LAST blockbuster. The one that stares Armageddon (no pun intended) in the face and goes kicking and screaming into the end times, flailing its morphing limbs and flaming cyber-blades wildly. It is a film that spends its duration in hysterics. Every single character speaks in exclamation points and aggro tattoos rather than words and sentences. It is one overblown action scene threaded to another, tethered by brief moments of sub-sensical exposition involving magic alien cubes that can simultaneously destroy and resurrect whoever needs to be destroyed or resurrected… mostly depending on whether or not the eyes on their emblems of the Transformers are slanty triangles or more uniform triangles, denoting whether or not they are heroes or villains.

Here’s what I think happened; The Autobots and the Military have been hunting down Decepticons because they’re bad…. Even though they don’t seem to attack unless they’re provoked… but whatever. Anyways, Shia La Dueche is off to college, away from his humping dogs and overacting Mother and his way-the-fuck-out-of-his-fuck-league girlfriend Megan Fox, who is so god damn beautiful it is evil.

Seriously, if I was an extraterrestrial shape-shifting robot, and I landed anywhere near the vicinity of this woman, I would just transform into a vibrator and play the waiting game. You go ahead and have your giant robot civil war… I’m gonna wage war on dat ass. Vibratron GO.

So while Shia LaFuckstick is preparing for school, he finds a sliver of the magic alien box from the first movie. He picks it up and it shoots little neon lights into his brain, imprinting it with jumbled alien codes or maps or I don’t know what. The sliver also causes several of the household objects to spring to life, becoming tiny robot assassins. Remember the Gremlincon from the first one? Easily the most annoying and overused character in the whole film? Well now there’s like 8 or 9 of them, every bit as obnoxious, only no wait, even more obnoxious. And one of them talks like Joe Pesci. Not even the real Joe Pesci… more like Jim Breur’s impression of Joe Pesci. Another one is a mad surgeon who talks like a Nazi from an exploitation film, only he’s a metallic crab.

Needless to say, the house gets totaled again until the family is saved by Bumblebee (the yellow one), who is forlorn that he won’t be joining Shia LaTamponmouth at college. This leads to a tender moment between Shia La Cuntthroat and Bumblebee before he goes off to college. All of this literally happens minutes after a VIOLENT ROBOT ATTACK. Fucking Minutes. Seconds, even.

As the … *cough* story progresses, Decepticon (spoiler alert: those are the bad ones) spy Soundwave (voiced by Frank Welker, who did the voice on the original cartoon) is seen orbiting the earth as a brooding satellite infiltrating Earth’s information superhighway. He discovers where yet another piece of this damn Robot Lament Configuration is located, and sends a Cycloptic robot panther with twin laser cannons fastened to its tailbone to vomit marbles down a drainpipe, which turn into robots ticks that combine to form a spidery Maglight-eyed gremlin-bot. This thing… yet ANOTHER gremlincon, steals the thing and brings it to the surviving Decepticons, including the Mengle Crab one and a couple of other ones, so they can go to the bottom of the ocean and resurrect their leader, Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving of THE MATIX). Oh and the thing that can bring him back to life is the thing that KILLED HIM IN THE FIRST MOVIE, BUT NEVER MIND ALL THAT NOW.

Anyway, the Decepticons rebuild Megatron into a fuck-you Tank, and he awakens, shooting into the stars, landing on what I guess is the ruins of their home planet Cybertron. There he encounters Starscream, his cowardly right hand man, who has been leading the Decepticons in his absence. Here it is revealed that Megatron, and by proxy, all Decepticons, are in fact disciples of “The Fallen”, who is essentially Giant Robot Satan (and who is voiced by CANDYMAN himself, Tony Todd). He was an elder Transformer that went renegade and was cast down from Giant Robot Heaven, thus christened “The Fallen”. see, way back in the before time (in the long long ago), the Elder Transformers built a machine and placed it under a pyramid on earth. this machine posses the power to "harvest the sun" for Energon Cubes, which will ensure the survivial of their race at the cost of destroying humans. they decided it wasn't worth destroying a planet with life to save their own, so they hid the thing that could kill all Earthlings... on Earth. hurm. Anyway, The Fallen wanted to go ahead and use the Sun Rape Cannon anyway, but he was stopped and thrown out of Giant Robot Paradise. In order for the Fallen’s power to be restored, the last surviving “Prime” has to die…. That being of the “Optimus” variety.

As all this is happening, we have Dwight Shrute, Shia LaCockream talking like the Micro-Machines Guy, an octogenarian Transformer who walks with a cane and farts parachutes, seemingly Every other character dying and being brought back to life, Megan Fox being fuckable, shots from army recruitment videos, two “screaming black guy” autobots, a Decepticon that turns into a chick and blows up a library, a look at the aforementioned Giant Robot Heaven and oh yeah… we get a great look at the Menacing Devastator’s junk.

That’s right.

Robot Scrote.

And no, they don’t transform. That’s too bad… cause the Testiculons would no doubt be a favorite toy come this Christmas.

I don’t think I have it in me to come up with more. This thing was stuffed by blind idiot gods, rolled by crippled-upstairs go-tards, sealed shut with the pussies of aboriginal synesthesiacs, smoked by a gaggle of Nick Hogan car crash victims, and interpreted through rat hole hearsay in a group home for Thalidomide related birth oddities. it's like having an equestrian syringe pump Monster Energy drink into your brain through your nasal cavity, and then CHUD-like man-children wave toys in your face, bellowing battlefield sound effects into your ears. In the hands of Jodorowsky or Svankemajer, such a formula would produce a triumph of the cinematic medium. In the hands of Michael “I’m Legally chaining my name to KEROSH!!!! AWSUM” Bay, you get a 2 and half hour commercial for whatever is sloshing around in your Big Gulp.

More than meets the eye? It’s not even less than stains my pants.

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