Thursday, July 30, 2009

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 97 / Hmph! vol. 1

ever since i was 8 - 9 years old, i've always wondered if i would live to see a Monster Squad style movie where all the best horror/slasher villains from my childhood teamed up to wage war on the normals. I can't help but revisit the thought every time i look up at my shelf of action figures and see the centerpiece of Jason Vorhees, Leatherface, Pinhead, Michael Meyers, and Freddy Krueger, all lined up and ready to kill. I envisioned a gore-soaked highlight reel of unfathomable atrocity, where limbs perpetually rain down to the ground, skins are ornamented to walls like throw rugs, and the slashers stand defiantly amid liquefied human flotsam while an epic mash-up of their theme music blares on the soundtrack.

well.... they at least got the "unfathomable atrocity" part right;

Its Halloween night and video store clerk Stan Helsing just got stuck with a last minute request to deliver some videos. With his best friend, his best friends date, and a smoking hot ex-girlfriend waiting to go to a party, Stan convinces them to take a side trip to Stormy Night Estates for the drop. But the group gets locked inside and Stan discovers hes actually Stan Van Helsing, descendant of the famed monster killer. Now, to lift a curse from the town and get his friends home safely, Stan must defeat the six greatest movie monsters of all time: Fweddy, Mason, Needlehead, Lucky, Michael Criers and Pleatherface!

...there.... there's nothing you can say. i've said it already. i could complain at great lengths, plunging into absurd depths of verbose grotesquire that border on aboriginal glossolalia, and it still won't stop the half-ass parody film meat-grinder from its constant anal purging. shit like this just makes me wanna give up. unplug everything. turn off the lights. go live in a cave and carve threatening letters to myself into the rocks with my own fingernails. there is nil. all is nil.

* <---- what my brains did.

kill everyone now.

at least it's getting dumped directly to DVD and Blu-ray... but the fact that this thing exists and will be available anywhere other than a poorly ventilated fire-trap is enough to burn my ass. i mean, NIGHTBREED can't get a decent Unrated Director's Cut treatment on DVD without pages and pages of signed online petitions, Richard Stanley has to spend money out of his own pocket to restore his films, and NONE of Karim Hussain's films will ever get a R1 DVD release, but veal urine like Stan Helsing gets a fucking Blu-Ray?


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