I Dunno, Just a Thought vol. 14

...............................dots.

i've spent the "better" part of the last five years...the entirety of my post-high school era...waiting for the pay off. waiting for the break. waiting for the girl. waiting for the miracle.

something tells me no matter what, i'll be putting time i don't have into something that will equate to nothing. music still gives me a sense of satisfaction...but it's disheartening and frustrating when you see your "peers" seemingly get the world pushed right under their noses on a platter made out of 1000s of silver dollars that's resting in the palm of a Mia Kirschner look-alike, whose wearing a catholic girls school uniform and Roller Skates...meanwhile you're TAKING THE TRAIN TO YOUR OWN SHOW ... the bassist doesn't show-up and there's no crowd...no money for the bands because no one showed up and the few that did...well their money needs to go to the sound people. but "it's not about the money, maaaaaan"....so you bottle all the doubts and fears and choke down enough tears to fill your lungs to a drowning-victim danger point...save it for another song....save it for another performance....take refuge in the reoccurring fantasy where you go all Dr. Destiny on the commuters and scensters who make life all the more contemptible.

then there are the women....then there is the money....the lack of one and the abundance of the other or not either or at all. to date....NOT. you don't have the money to treat a girl right...take her out to a movie or a nice dinner...the most you can get is their pity or sometimes respect, which can be an even greater assassin to one's sexual identity.....maybe. i don't even know anymore. all i know is i'm tired of not sharing an orgasm. that's all i've been doing. time to face the facts....few people really care. they've got their own problems to worry about...why should they listen to your bullshit?

i really like doing this; ....

hurm.

i dunno...just a thought.