Sunday, February 8, 2009

Fuck My Life vol. 2

play-by-play for the 2009 Grammys:

U2 has been playing their pretentious disco-rock nonsense for the last four minutes. Whitney Houston is out now, and she actually looks and sounds human. nominees for best RNB. Eric Bedet. Boyz 2 Men? seriously?? Boyz 2 fucking asshole Men. amazing.

I spoke too soon about Whitney Houston sounding human. She looks as if she is trying to remember a time when she was attractive and likable, and it's hurting her brain. Jennifer Hudson wins. I don't know who that is. Is she an American Idol? Her dress looks like a giant napkin has been duct-taped at the waist to a black evening gown.

And here come THE ROCK. If he tells Katy Perry to "pancake her ass on out of here" it will all be worth the wear. Coldplay Kerry Underwood Kid Rock Stevie Wonder Jonas Brothers Paul McCartney w/ Dave Grohl Miley Cyrus Neil Diamond AND Lil' Wayne. This is who the Rock just namedropped. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009.

Now here's the most sexually satisfied man in America, Justin Timberlake. I'd like to have his dick just for one day. Scarlett Johansen and that bitch from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 (Jessica Biel i just remembered) at the same time. Fuck My Life.

now they're butchering Al Green... and Al Green is going along with it. they're doing "I'm So In Love With You". THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. i think one of the Goo Goo Dolls is in the band her. I like Timberlake's suit. It's like something a DC villain would wear. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh wait the Goo Goo Guy Doll looking mother fucker is Keith Urban. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. This song ended like 3 minutes ago and they won't stop.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). Nicolas Cage is going to fight Armageddon March 20. yeah that looks good. psstht.

we're back. Now here's Coldplay. You know i loathe this band, right? i hate this band more than i actually hate them. 9 years of this date-rape elevator music. If i want the Stone Roses, i will listen to the goddamn Stone Roses. at least they fucking rocked. ohhhh yes... JAY-Z is rapping... with COLDPLAY. JAY Z AND COLDPLAY TOGETHER. I am in Hell and i'm not even dead enough to enjoy it. They call this a band? it's just some whiny limey moping on a piano... oh wait here's everyone else. I heard this song on an I-Pod commercial i think. Remember when British music didn't totally freebase dried sperm bullets? This is almost hateful in it's contempt for the common intellect. mercifully it's over.

Here's Queef Urban again, introducing Peanut Butter Cup Spokeswoman Carrie Underwood. Nice legs. Hello? Hello COUNTRY? ARE YOU THERE? remember when Country music wasn't just bubblegum pop with a southern accent... also when it didn't compulsively inhale AIDS? This is just a clusterfuck. There is nothing to this. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. YUM YUM for that blond guitar chick in the leather pants.

Sheryl Crow and Leann Rhymes emerge from the fuckable hall of fame. Presenting the Country Group award. this is my mom's music. It's hideous. Sugarland got it. They make the Dixie Chicks sound like the Plasmatics. God damn this is awful. This droopy-eyed turd doesn't even HAVE a southern accent.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS).

we're back. here's Al Green and Sindee Coxx. wait actually that's some broad named Duffy. she looks like Sindee Coxx. Song of the Year. good GOD i hate that "I'mnotgunnawriteyoua LOVE SONG" song. I wanna cut that bitch's face off of her face for writing this fucking song. Coldplay just won song of the year. Coldplay wrote what people consider to be the best song of the whole year. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. they look like a box of crayons. a box of crayons that i want to decapitate.

and now Kid Rock is out. hur-umph. It's just baffling to me how this guy has apparently stood the test of time. did he just say "Guilty of Being White"? Now he's playing that hideous "Sweet Home Alabama/Werewolves of London" mash-up that was everywhere this summer. now he's doing some other song. can we PLEASE put a moratorium on bands doing melodies at award shows? these fucking mongoloids can barely get through one song, and they're attempting to mix three or four others to mask the fact that they are musically incompetent. fuck you. this isn't Amazon.com. don't play six 30 second clips of different songs and call it a performance. has it come to that? are our attentions at such a deficit that we can't even sit through one 3 minute song with going to the next one? Fuck my Life.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS).

and here's Taylor Hayes (Swift, actually. I just wish it was Hayes) and IT'S MILEY!. What is this, the fucking junior prom? They're singing about how hard life is for 15 year olds. This is why your children are cunts. They think their problems matter and these howling twits reinforce their myopic ego strokes with calculated songs like this cynically schmaltzy piece of marshmallow cancer. oh good now IT'S MILEY! is talking. they're presenting Pop Collaboration (now with VOCALS). ok seriously... Rihanna is an orgasm that walks like a woman. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss (?) just won for some song i never heard of. I'm sorry... but i'm lost in Rihanna thoughts right now. garggle garggle. I mean... how do women that look like that come to exist in the real world? it defies all logic... in bed. she is the manifestation of the collective sexual fantasies of every heterosexual male in known existence. I want to fuck her is what i'm getting at. I want to have sex with Rihanna. all kinds of sex... even gay sex.

Here's Jennifer Hudson, hopefully she remembered to put the table cloth back by Kraft Services. she did. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

COMMERICALS (only on CBS). Katy Perry is hot and everything, but she just comes off as a total phony to me. I'm not buying her act for one minute. if she really was bi-sexual, she'd go onstage during Rihanna's performance, pulls off her clothes, and give her a body-wide tongue bath... outside and inside.... over and under.... using teeth tongue fingers and toes... test driving every inch of one another with their mouths... taking turns bending each other over and licking from ass to clit over and over... 69ing.... followed by a scissor-fuck that pulses slowly, gradually building to an harshly erogenous crescendo that almost perpetually explodes until they coo and yelp and grunt in united orgasm, grasping for the other's legs, collapsing into one another's arms, their mouths falling into one perfect, deep, passionate french kiss, tongues tumbling softly and slowly.

...wow that was quick commercial break.... what happened? oh yeah... this thing. Fuck my life.

Oh good... the Jonas Brothers. At least the New Kids on the Block never tried to convince us they were a legitimate band. damn... even the boy bands are fuck-ups. fuck-ups of fuck-ups. Bill Hicks is dead... the New Kids on the Block are recording a new album... and THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. and Stevie Wonder is now playing "Superstitious" with the Jonas Brothers. This is by far the cruelest joke anyone has ever played on a blind man. remember what i said about melodies? shit-fucking hell-cock. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009.

Blink 182 is out. I fucking despised this band all through high school. and now they're back. best Rock album. Coldplay. Kid Rock. Kings of Leon. Metallica. Rancounters. and it goes to COLDPLAY. COLDPLAY beat METALLICA. I'm no Metallica fan (especially the last few records)... but COME THE FUCK ON.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). i'll be adding more to the Rihanna/Katy Perry fantasy now... feel free to reread.

we're back. the evil boss from Drew Carrey is introducing Katy Perry. She's being lowered to the stage in a giant banana vibrator. She has crazy eyes and her voice sucks. and she can't dance. i mean it... she sounds fucking awful. she can't fucking sing. like.. at all. This is a pretty boring performance. i guess when you have a bunch of slack jawed lunkheads giggling over the possibility of girl/girl action you don't have to put forth the effort. guys are fucking dumb. this isn't sexy... this isn't bi-curious... it's just fucking gay.

now here's everyone's favorite insufferably self-important turbo-douche, Kayne West. the award for best new artist, and already West is playing the pity card. "boo hoo boo hoo i didn't win best new artist". what a fucking twerp. the grammy goes to a dill? like the pickle? oh A-DELE. she's fat, red, and british. i hate these pasty lightweight (though i use the term loosely in Adele's case... nyeah) english broads trying to be soul singers. fuck off Union Slag. You're not Nina Simone, you're a charisma-crippled werecunt from the most interest-deprived corners of perdition. i hate you.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). FUCK YOU WATCHMEN MOVIE. RORSCHACH DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

Here's Morgan Freeman, who is apparently good friends with Kenny Chesney. ok let's sum up this song; "Trailer park trailer park trailer park trailer park. Punching my mom/sister/cousin/wife while clutching a whiskey bottle. trailer park trailer park trailer park trailer park. lawn sofas and foil antennas". but sing all slow and mournful and people will think it's deep and important.

Here's Puffy, Herby, and Natalee. Record of the year. already? there's like two hours left in the show. nominees; a dill. Coldplay. Leona Lewis (?). MIA (they fly like paper.. then in addition... get high like planes). Robert Plant. Robert Plant wins for an album NO ONE HAS FUCKING HEARD. this is so fucking dumb. it really doesn't matter. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). The Reader. You'd think a movie where Kate Winslet plays a child molesting Nazi wouldn't be so dull looking... but there it is. thanks a lot, The Weinsteins.

Here's Queen Latifah. MIA is out, in B&W and Pregnant. Songs stops when she hits "No one on the Corner has swagga like us" and then the song goes into the admittedly ominously cool beat of "Swagger Like Us". too bad the rapping sucks. Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne, Kayne West, the afformentioned MIA, and TI. so far this is the least sucky thing i've heard all night... and that's just cause the beat is really solid. The lyrics/rap is totally weak, though. just more empty boasting that attempts to mask its banality with shouting and jumping. still a decent performance.

Here's Kate Beckinsale. Someone who is graceful, radiant, and classy. she must be in the wrong building. she introducing Paul McCartney w/ Dave Grohl (thankfully on the drums). If Cobain could see Grohl now... it's a pretty amazing thought, no? this is OK for old man rock i guess. Grohl's sort of rocking the shit, here. Powerful but simple.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). i'm starting to feel woozy. i need Jesus Lizard songs and Sasha Grey videos... STAT.

Here's Jack Black and Charlie Hayden presenting Male Pop vocals. Kid Rock. John Mayer. Paul McCartney. Ne-Yo. James Taylor. John Mayer gets it. shouldn't the best male pop singer... i dunno... KNOW HOW TO FUCKING SING? i mean c'mon.. Kid Rock? Ne-Yo? NE-YO? guess Tony Victory's subversive campaign against Ne-Yo was all for naught.

Jay Mohr and LL Cool J are out... cause, you know.... it's 1995. they introduce Sugarland and Adele (TOGETHER). i already dropkicked these clownshoes' provervial dicks in the dirt earlier, so i'm taking a break.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS).

and here's Gweneth Paltorw... cause you know... it's 1995. She looks awesome, though. almost fresh faced. she's introducing Radiohead... cause you know... it's 1995. i wish it was, cause then they'd be playing something off the Bends. you know... something good. I'd kill for "Just" or "My Iron Lung" or "Street Spirit" right about now. and why are they playing with a high school marching band? damn this band used to be so good. this is just bumming me out. worse than TV on the Radio did last night on SNL, since we're talking about bands that have shit the bed. way to take all the dynamic, darkly soulful energy of Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes and Return to Cookie Mountain and completely piss it away, becoming a clapping limp-wrist junkfood version of yourselves. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). ugh... that song "Suddenly I See" is fucking repulsive self consciously charming BULLSHIT.

here's Samuel L. Jackson. how nice, he came out before the end credits. here's TI and Justin Timberlake. this is so dumb... it's the same people over and over. either cut the run time of the show, or get more fucking guests next time, stupid Grammy people. oh good... it's a ballad. Fuck My Life. they stole this chorus from "I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight" by Cutting Crew. Oh yeah, and adding electric guitar solos and full orchestras to every fucking performance does not make things classy, it just distills everything into one murky sludge of nothing.

The King of Music is out to talk about Obama and how amazing he is. No.. we're not biased. we're totally impartial. can't say i blame them entirely, i just hate... well... everyone i guess. meh. This guy should stop talking. He wants a "secretary of the arts" instated into the government. fuck man, doesn't the government have enough? can't we have fucking something to call all our own? they meddle enough in our lives. unless i'm going to start getting weekly million dollar government checks for being brilliant and awesome, LEAVE THE ARTS ALONE.

Smoky Robinson is talking about the last surviving Four Top, who is out with Jamie Fox and some other Poser Tops. this is my grandparents music. THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009. OH GOOD... ANOTHER MOTHER FUCKING ASS SUCKING COCK SUCKING CUNT FLICKING SMEGMA HARVESTING MELODY.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). Holy Shit Christina Aquilera looks fucking hot as all hell in this commercial. i'm sooooo beating off when this is all over.

here's fake Opera singer Josh Groban to introduce Neil Diamond. One of the most famous and celebrated singers of all time, and yet he doesn't actually sing. "Sweet Caroline"... oh my god this song makes my blood curdle. if it doesn't make your skin crawl whenever a gaggle of fucking zeroes sing along to this, and they all go "BAHN BAHN BAAAAAAHN!!!!!" during the chorus, than you should turn in your flesh, cause it's not working right. oh and THIS IS MUSIC IN 2009.

now they're bringing out the dead, starting with George Carlin. Eartha Kitt. some jazzholes. and a lot of people who, unlike most of those currently in attendance, actually had talent, presence, vision, and all the stuff that used to be required of our stars and starlets. this bleeds into a live blues jam from Chuck Berry, B.B. King, Queef Urban AGAIN, and John Mayer... the latter 2 whom shouldn't even be in the same state as the former 2, let alone sharing the stage with them. THIS IS MUSIC IN TWO THOUSAND AND NINE.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). Friday the 13th part 567882368895972398875984: Jason flies like paper gets high like planes BAHN BAHN BAAAAHHHHN.

we're back. here's Lieutenant Dan to introduce Lil' Wayne. cause when i think Gary Sinise... i think Lil' Wayne. oh good, another style-clash clusterfuck, this time starring Robin Fink and Mr. Wayne. now here's Alan Tuson on the piano... no reason, the producers just don't have the patience for separate performances, and thus they decide to lump certain performers together, regardless of whether or not they fit. JESUS this thing is an obnoxious mess. it stopped being a song like 4 minutes ago.

here's Will.I.Am and T-Pain... or as i like to call them; "Who Gives" and "A Fuck". Best Rap Album. Jay-Z. Lil' Wayne. Nas. TI. it goes to Lil' Wayne. he looks to be a syphilis germ that was plucked off the matted pubes of a Lil' Jon groupie and raised to be a Hip Hop sensation whose popularity no one can hope to articulate or understand, but they are unable to deny.

COMMERCIALS (only on CBS). we're at the home stretch. barring a surprise appearance by a dripping wet Asia Argento clad in a sliced-up white t-shirt and a steel-black thong, introducing a Thoughts of Ionesco reunion where they play A Skin Historic in its entirety while Asia ritualistically murders everyone in the crowd with a 4 foot machete made from post-abortion wire hangers, save for Rhianna, who joins in the mayhem, becoming Asia's leggy sex slave, tonguing one another amidst fountains of spurting blood while TOI blaze through a punishingly heavy tripped out version of "In the Shape of a Woman", i'd say this show is pretty much busted. music is fucking gay.

here's Zooey Dechanel, who is incapable of being anything other than adorabley awkward, introducing Robert Plant and Allison Krauss, who won record of the year even though NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD THIS BORING BULLSHIT RECORD EVER AH FUCK. i hate old man rock. Baby Boomers need to let go of the controls already.

Green Day are out to present album of the year. a bunch of stuff you're heard already. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss get it for THE ALBUM NO ONE BOUGHT OR HEARD ALL FUCKING YEAR WHAT IN THE ASS IS GOING ON? Grammys are fucking bullshit. yes sir, ladies and gentlemen... THIS IS MUSIC IN 2 (TWO) 1000 (THOUSAND) AND 9 (NINE).

and we're closing it out again w/ Stevie Wonder AGAIN. umm... where was the advertised Rhianna performance? just wishful thinking on my part... by "part" i of course am talking about myyyyyyyyyyy....... penis. UPDATE: guess we know why she wasn't present. what a fucking sack of shit. nice. real fucking nice. you've managed to nab the #1 piece of ass in music today, a woman that any man would topple over to have, and you smack her around. And Rhianna.. you're the #1 piece of ass in music today. you can have anyone and you pick a guy who smacks you around?

Fuck My Life. ENDDATE.

no wonder i never watch this nonsense. people actually like this crap?

...Fuck My Life.

1 comment:

Jason said...

I know this is a pretty lame and generic comment, but this really is comic genius, and I find it hard to believe that no one has commented yet. Thanks.