Friday, February 17, 2012



Okay, so this Ghost Rider movie is invariably better than that Ghost Rider movie, but in the way that having diarrhea is better than having amoebic dysentery. sure, it's a torrent of watery excrement shredding your rectum, but at least it won't kill you.

so Nicolas Cage is back as our titular tit; the stunt-motorcyclist turned shrieking skeleton man. this time he called upon by a black french gun running wino priest (Idris Elba) to save a 12 year old boy from Mephistopheles (who is called "Roark" this time out. whatever). in exchange for protecting the child, the Order the Wino-Priest represents will lift the curse of the Ghost Rider from Cage.

what follows is vrooom vroooom, witty banter, some admittedly decent heavy metal looking imagery, Violante Placido being retarded amounts of gorgeous, and worst of all; introducing the idea of a FLAME THROWING URINARY TRACT and doing NOTHING with it. the plot is bascially Terminator 2, just swap out time-traveling robot assassins with white trash demons.except you don't care about what happens because the characters are mostly indestructible. Terminator was tough, but he could be destroyed, and John and Sarah were human, so they could be taken out with ease. when Blaze become Ghost Rider; there is NOTHING that can really stop him. realistically, he should be a villain, because then he would present a challenge that a protagonist would have to overcome. i'll give the movie credit for sort of alluding to that, but it needed to go deeper into that idea.. it's sort of like how they teased me with the idea of a FLAME THROWING URINARY TRACT and than did NOTHING with it.

so the problem lies in the source material, i'm afraid. Ghost Rider is very powerful... too powerful, which mean that he's just not a very interesting character, because he can pretty much do anything and defeat anyone. the image is undeniably cool, and as a supporting player he's fine, but he's barely interesting enough to carry his own book, and he's certainly not strong enough to carry an entire film. when he's just Johnny Blaze, that's when you sort of care, but once he's Ghost Rider, he's just a monosyllabic movie monster who whacks people with a chain that turns them into cigar ash and then teases me with the idea of a FLAME THROWING URINARY TRACT and than does NOTHING with it.

the Jekyl and Hyde/Wolfman dynamic... or even the Incredible Hulk.... that's how this should be played, but Ghost Rider seems so detached not only from his host, but from the events going on, that there is no real conflict. Blaze himself doesn't seem that tormented by his situation. he cracks jokes, hits on cute nurses etc, so you never feel for him. that's why he really should have been the villain. this guy who likes this thing flowing through him. this way, you could forgo any awkward attempts at making him sympathetic. honestly, Ghost Rider is a better villain than the villains in this movie. talk about some pathetic demons. okay, you're Mephisto. you can send an invincible cavalcade of hellish minions onto the world and take this kid with no problem. so what do you do? you send some Kirk Cameron looking douchehat and his handful of very-destructible mercenaries (who except for one, are about the least intimidating pudbags ever put on film) to snatch this child. you are aware that there is an insane spectre who can punch people into balls of fire walking the earth, right? okay, so they're all dead now. great. now you can ressurect them and give them grim reaper powers. alright... very good. lets do that to all of them? wait... so you're only gonna do it to one of them... AND it's the Kirk Cameron looking cuntlick. just ONE FUCKING GUY? i thought this child was important?  that's like teasing me with the idea of a FLAME THROWING URINARY TRACT and than do NOTHING with it.

don't mind me, kids... i'm just upset that they teased me with the idea of a FLAME THROWING URINARY TRACT and than did NOTHING with it.

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