Friday, December 11, 2009

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 120

OBSESSED - Blue Balls / should've gone to Pornhub - "Hey, let's make an Erotic Thriller featuring two of the most beautiful women in the business today.... but there can't be any sex, nudity, violence, or bad language". This was a fail right out the gate. it doesn't even give you enough time to get turned on. it's worse than back in the 90s when the only free internet porn available was the 15 second clips compiled from assorted paysites. this movie is worse than a prick tease.... it's sort of like when you're out somewhere, and you see this stunner at the bar. she's giving you coy glances, and for a brief second you think to yourself "hey, she's pretty hot, maybe something can come of this". so you walk up to her and before you can will a "can i buy you a drink?" from your trembling throat, her big frizzy haired moo-burger fat girl friend sticks her buttered gunt between you two, smearing any visions of sexual heaven with chicken skin and waffle batter. so yeah... this movie's editor is that very same big fat cunt.

HECKLER - 6/10: Why do i get the feeling that this movie is mad at me? this is hack asshole Jamie Kennedy's woe-is-me-LOL vanity/revenge project. it operates under the pretense that it is a documentary on the nature of harsh criticism, but in reality this is for the most part a bunch of c-list and d-list comedians and celebrities attacking those (online and off) who dare question their talents. Most of them (especially centerpiece Kennedy) come off as comically petty (the only time you'll see Kennedy described by me as "comical"), childishly insecure, shamelessly myopic, and bafflingly ungrateful. You make a lot of money for something that isn't really that hard, something that you're not even very good at (or even trying to improve at). When he confronts his critics, they are relatively unmoved by Kennedy's neediness, sticking to their guns, saying "dude... it's the INTERNET" without really saying it. If Kennedy really is the comedic talent he believes himself to be, he would see the humor in all of this and laugh it off. to quote Christopher Titus: Why don't you come down off the cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and GET OVER IT.

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