my new favorite person is JUSTICE YELDHAM. just when you think you've gone as far as you can go with fucked up noise, here comes a dude who uses big shards of broken glass like John Popper uses a harmonica.... pretending its a cheeseburger. HI-OH 1995 pop-culture reference.
tried to watch the screener of Serbian Film, but got overwhelmed with all the text in front of me. subtitles, the word "SCREENER" in the right-hand corner, an "X" below it, with the phrase "PROPERTY OF FUCK YOUR D/LING GOLDBRICKING WANNABE CINEPHILE ASS FILMS INC" flashing every 30 seconds. I'll wait for the DVD.
"oh but no one will release it cause it's SO FUCKED UP".
get fucking real, clownsweat. you ever take a look at some of the films Unearthed has released? or Synapse? howzabout mother fucking Media Blasters, betch? I'm just saying DVD is like international waters; anything goes. Yeah you may not find it next to Toy Story 3 at Wal-Mart, but drop the drama already. christ, i thought horror fans were supposed to have balls. I already love this movie cause it's making people cry. I really thought we were past this whole "have we gone too far?" nonsense already. I just watched Black Sun: the Nanking Massacre, where a pregnant woman's stomach was sliced open with a bayonet and the fullgrown baby then pulled out on the blade and dangled in front of her screaming face.
i have no follow-up, i just loved typing that out.
i'm gonna try once more to get my copy of Tinto Brass' the Howl to work on my DVD player.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
NERRRRRD!!!! vol. 25
previously on RETRIBUTIONAL SODOMY
so i just picked up the Judge Dredd Mega City Masters vol. 1 and the Death Lives collections from 2000ad. they are gorgeous, especially Death Lives; a compendium of stories involving the Dark Judges, perhaps the most visually disturbing comic villains ever concocted.
a new Judge Dredd film is in the works, and it looks like it'll be every bit the shit-bomb that Stallone's film was. am i being hasty? perhaps, but i'm basing this on the fact that they're ONCE AGAIN ignoring the single most iconic Dredd villain in favor of some bullshit drug allegory tale. it's like if Nolan decided instead of doing the Joker in the Dark Knight he decided to go with a story about vampires. it's not what people want to see. .. but i digress.
since it's a boring Saturday night, and i haven't done a theoretical casting in a while, i'd figure why not continue to make myself less appealing to the opposite sex and go forward on a dream cast for a dream Judge Dredd film.
i stand by my claim that Robocop is the perfect Dredd movie. but let's nevermind that.
this thing would have to be written and directed by Richard Stanley. he captured the perfect atmosphere w/ Hardware, and was in fact up for the Dredd film back in the early 90s. I've always wanted to see him do an big scale sci-fi event movie, but with the European sensibility that is crucial for a Dredd film. he could also nail the horror element, bringing the Dark Judges to life (*rimshot*).
anyway, on with the casting;
The Judges;
MICHAEL IRONSIDE as JUDGE DREDD
JANUARY JONES as JUDGE ANDERSON
OLIVA WILDE as JUDGE HERSHEY
CHRISTOPHER LEE as CHIEF JUDGE FARGO
the legendary Angel Gang;
TOM BOWER as PA ANGEL
MARK BISCHOFF as FINK ANGEL
HENRY ROLLINS as MEAN MACHINE ANGEL
and the real main villains of the film;
The Dark Judges.
these would no doubt be FX heavy characters, with either stunt men or motion capture CGI on the actors to really make them as horrifying as they appear in the comics, so these choices are based on voice and general unease that these actors bring to their roles;
DAVID PATRICK KELLY as JUDGE FIRE
TOM NOONAN as JUDGE FEAR
JEFFREY COMBS as JUDGE MORTIS (hands down the most fucked up looking character ever created in comics. i mean... crikey... Ken Russel would run screaming from that mother fucker.)
and last but certainly not least;
BILLY DRAGO as JUDGE DEATH
so yay, more geek shit that'll never happen.
so i just picked up the Judge Dredd Mega City Masters vol. 1 and the Death Lives collections from 2000ad. they are gorgeous, especially Death Lives; a compendium of stories involving the Dark Judges, perhaps the most visually disturbing comic villains ever concocted.
a new Judge Dredd film is in the works, and it looks like it'll be every bit the shit-bomb that Stallone's film was. am i being hasty? perhaps, but i'm basing this on the fact that they're ONCE AGAIN ignoring the single most iconic Dredd villain in favor of some bullshit drug allegory tale. it's like if Nolan decided instead of doing the Joker in the Dark Knight he decided to go with a story about vampires. it's not what people want to see. .. but i digress.
since it's a boring Saturday night, and i haven't done a theoretical casting in a while, i'd figure why not continue to make myself less appealing to the opposite sex and go forward on a dream cast for a dream Judge Dredd film.
i stand by my claim that Robocop is the perfect Dredd movie. but let's nevermind that.
this thing would have to be written and directed by Richard Stanley. he captured the perfect atmosphere w/ Hardware, and was in fact up for the Dredd film back in the early 90s. I've always wanted to see him do an big scale sci-fi event movie, but with the European sensibility that is crucial for a Dredd film. he could also nail the horror element, bringing the Dark Judges to life (*rimshot*).
anyway, on with the casting;
The Judges;
MICHAEL IRONSIDE as JUDGE DREDD
JANUARY JONES as JUDGE ANDERSON
OLIVA WILDE as JUDGE HERSHEY
CHRISTOPHER LEE as CHIEF JUDGE FARGO
the legendary Angel Gang;
TOM BOWER as PA ANGEL
MARK BISCHOFF as FINK ANGEL
HENRY ROLLINS as MEAN MACHINE ANGEL
and the real main villains of the film;
The Dark Judges.
these would no doubt be FX heavy characters, with either stunt men or motion capture CGI on the actors to really make them as horrifying as they appear in the comics, so these choices are based on voice and general unease that these actors bring to their roles;
DAVID PATRICK KELLY as JUDGE FIRE
TOM NOONAN as JUDGE FEAR
JEFFREY COMBS as JUDGE MORTIS (hands down the most fucked up looking character ever created in comics. i mean... crikey... Ken Russel would run screaming from that mother fucker.)
and last but certainly not least;
BILLY DRAGO as JUDGE DEATH
so yay, more geek shit that'll never happen.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Does God Have a Crush on Us? vol. 5
Jodorowsky's SANTA SANGRE Coming To DVD and BluRay!
God bless the good folk at Severin, where they're not only finding and releasing an impressive slate of cult classics they're also releasing them well. And coming soon - January of 2011, to be precise - they'll be bringing legendary cult director Alejandro Jodorowsky's Santa Sangre, complete and uncut, to both DVD and BluRay.
SEVERIN TO RELEASE 'SANTA SANGRE' UNCUT ON BLU-RAY & DVD FOR FIRST TIME EVER IN AMERICA
Events For 1/25/2011 Release Of Alejandro Jodorowsky's Modern Masterpiece Include 5 Hours Of Extras, Retrospective At NYC's Museum Of Art & Design
LOS ANGELES, CA, September 20, 2010 - Severin Films today announced the 1/25/2011 release of Alejandro Jodorowsky's internationally acclaimed SANTA SANGRE. The 1989 production, rarely seen since its U.S. theatrical release, comes to Blu-ray and DVD featuring a restored print of the film's European version as well as over 5 hours of Bonus Material. In addition, Jodorowsky will by honored by The Museum Of Art & Design with his first-ever American retrospective. The series, called 'Blood into Gold: the Cinematic Alchemy of Alejandro Jodorowsky', runs from September 23rd thru October 8th and will feature the 81-year-old Chilean-born filmmaker/playwright/graphic artist/shaman in attendance to conduct a rare master class on his films and philosophy.
Jodorowsky exploded onto the international scene with his 1970s sensations EL TOPO and HOLY MOUNTAIN. Endorsed by John Lennon and embraced by underground culture worldwide, the films redefined movies as both art and entertainment while single-handedly creating the 'midnight movie' genre. Legal frustrations with the films' owner (and Beatles' manager) Allen Klein, as well as a failed attempt to direct a 14-hour movie adaptation of Dune starring Orson Welles and Salvador Dali, kept Jodorowsky from making films for 16 years until his triumphant return with SANTA SANGRE. Blanca Guerra, Guy Stockwell and the filmmaker's sons Axel and Adan Jodorowsky star in this surreal epic about a young circus performer, the crime of passion that shatters his soul, and the macabre journey back to the world of his armless mother and deaf-mute lover. "This is a movie like none I have seen before," wrote Roger Ebert in his original four-star review, "a wild kaleidoscope of images and outrages, a collision between Freud and Fellini. It contains blood and glory, saints and circuses, and unspeakable secrets of the night. And it is all wrapped up in a flamboyant parade of bold, odd, striking imagery, with Alejandro Jodorowsky as the ringmaster. SANTA SANGRE is a movie in which the inner chambers of the soul are laid bare."
Bonus Features on the Blu-ray and two-disc DVD include deleted scenes, domestic and international trailers, an audio commentary with Jodorowsky, multiple documentaries, new on-camera interviews with the majority of the film's cast and crew, and coverage of Jodorowsky's forthcoming NYC appearances. A complete list of Extras, as well as preview clips, will be posted in the coming days at SantaSangreFilm.com.
"SANTA SANGRE is a landmark acquisition for us," says David Gregory, co-founder and CEO of Severin Films. "Jodorowsky is one of the few true visionaries of cinema, and the opportunity to bring his modern masterpiece back to America is a genuine honor. Our restoration of the film, combined with an unprecedented collection of Bonus Features, will now introduce this brilliant film to a whole new audience."
Severin Films was formed in 2006 with offices in Los Angeles and London. Their previous releases include Richard Stanley's restored HARDWARE, Enzo Castellari's original action classic INGLORIOUS BASTARDS, recent Goya Award winner Jess Franco's MACUMBA SEXUAL, Walerian Borowczyk's IMMORAL WOMEN and THE ART OF LOVE, the unrated Director's Cut of Just Jaeckin's GWENDOLINE, and Oscar®-nominee Patrice Leconte's THE HAIRDRESSER'S HUSBAND, PERFUME OF YVONNE and DOGORA.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! vol. 46
In Texas Hell House, Girl "Deserved" Rape
How's this for Christian compassion: A girl makes friends with a guy on Facebook. They decide to go out on a date. When they meet, the guy brutally rapes her. A demon emerges from the shadows, sneering, and tells her she deserved it. It's her fault she was raped. She shouldn't have agreed to meet someone from one of those sinful online communities.
Next up? A young girl is sexually assaulted by a family member and in despair commits suicide. She is promptly consigned to the fires of hell for an eternity of pain and suffering.
Welcome to Hell House - The Devil's Playground, a production of Trinity Church in Cedar Hill, Texas.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Not that I'm Bitter or anything vol. 6
advance apologies for any goth-kidness that may lie ahead.
seriously.... can anyone commit to anything anymore? i'm not talking about the tired womanly quip about men be afraid of commitment, i'm talking about this whole "up-in-the-air" response to everything. i feel like i can never make plans with anyone cause you'll never know where they will be, if they are anywhere at all. it's like everyone wants to appear busy without actually being busy, leaving time open for the sake of leaving time open. stop pretending you have a life and fucking have a life.
the thought of this particular feeling that's been eating at me all day manifesting into words feels like i'm swallowing matchsticks. that i can only be cryptic about it is doing little to allow for catharsis, let alone alleviation, so i don't know.... i think the only way i can properly let everyone know what precisley on my mind is to have my inner ears tied to a seven-story turbine as it vomits the digested inhabitants of an insane asylum, while the inside of my eyes are continuously violated watching a conveyor belt sexually molest itself, then to be drawn and quartered in all directions by a convoy of speeding mack trucks while "Throne of Agony" by Foetus is played over air raid horns as aboriginal tribes of transgendered dwarf hookers furiously masturbate their anuses with my limbs in a bombed out Roman Colosseum.
"Hitler reprise in the worm of your soul". fuck i love the Manic Street Preachers.
so yeah i'm on several dating sites. the rather pedestrian PlentyOFish and the slightly more lurid FetLife. so far nothing. turns out i have the same amount of confidence in here as i do out there... which is to say absolute bupkiss. lot of secret fatties... lot of stuck up twits with impossibly high standards that only people who are Ryan Reynolds can live up to... a lot of naive imbeciles who aren't "looking for anything right now". well then what the fuck are you doing on a dating site, you anus slurping harlequin miscarriage? "i like the blogs and pictures!" THEN START A BLOG WITH PICTURES OF YOURSELF you charm-deficient testicle dish.
seriously.... can anyone commit to anything anymore? i'm not talking about the tired womanly quip about men be afraid of commitment, i'm talking about this whole "up-in-the-air" response to everything. i feel like i can never make plans with anyone cause you'll never know where they will be, if they are anywhere at all. it's like everyone wants to appear busy without actually being busy, leaving time open for the sake of leaving time open. stop pretending you have a life and fucking have a life.
the thought of this particular feeling that's been eating at me all day manifesting into words feels like i'm swallowing matchsticks. that i can only be cryptic about it is doing little to allow for catharsis, let alone alleviation, so i don't know.... i think the only way i can properly let everyone know what precisley on my mind is to have my inner ears tied to a seven-story turbine as it vomits the digested inhabitants of an insane asylum, while the inside of my eyes are continuously violated watching a conveyor belt sexually molest itself, then to be drawn and quartered in all directions by a convoy of speeding mack trucks while "Throne of Agony" by Foetus is played over air raid horns as aboriginal tribes of transgendered dwarf hookers furiously masturbate their anuses with my limbs in a bombed out Roman Colosseum.
"Hitler reprise in the worm of your soul". fuck i love the Manic Street Preachers.
so yeah i'm on several dating sites. the rather pedestrian PlentyOFish and the slightly more lurid FetLife. so far nothing. turns out i have the same amount of confidence in here as i do out there... which is to say absolute bupkiss. lot of secret fatties... lot of stuck up twits with impossibly high standards that only people who are Ryan Reynolds can live up to... a lot of naive imbeciles who aren't "looking for anything right now". well then what the fuck are you doing on a dating site, you anus slurping harlequin miscarriage? "i like the blogs and pictures!" THEN START A BLOG WITH PICTURES OF YOURSELF you charm-deficient testicle dish.
We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 162
Shinya Tuskamoto’s TETSUO II and III acquired!
Posted on Friday, July 16th, 2010 by
Tags: Acquisitions, IFC Midnight, News, TETSUO
IFC FILMS GENRE LABEL IFC MIDNIGHT TAKES NORTH AMERICAN RIGHTS TO TWO FILMS FROM DIRECTOR SHINYA TUSKAMOTO CULT TETSUO FRANCHISE
NEW TESTUO III : THE BULLET MAN and 1992’s CLASSIC TETSUO II : THE BODY HAMMER TO BE RELEASED ON DEMAND AND IN SELECT THEATRICAL ENGAGEMENTS IN EARLY 2011
Domo.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Angrilly Fornicate the Genesis of My Being vol. 1+1-1+2-2
So yeah... it's a dreary miserable sort of night. dark blue and rainy. listening to Antioch Arrow and as much good music as i can in the next 35 minutes, because when said 35 minutes are up i will be undertaking (i can think of no-more appropriate a word) a play-by-play of the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
This year promises to be especially excrement lathered, what with the ascension of specimens like Justin Bieber and Keisha, driving pop music so much further into the ground that even C.H.U.Ds are craning deep downward at the maggot-chewed remains. there remains several lone bright spots in the likes of Janelle Monae, Florence and the Machine, La Roux, and Katy Perry's photo shoots, but unfortunately these are often overlooked in favor of the vapid likes of Lady Gaga, Ciara (thought making me scream "built to fuck!" in a wall shattering staccato is worth noting), and Katy Perry's recorded output.
so as i enjoy the mournful pangs of Throbbing Gristle's "Weeping" and the anthemic spitefulness of PIL's "Public Image", i briefly wave goodbye to honesty, artfulness, the creatively articulate and the explosions from within the void, and prepare myself for an evening of maddening commercial banality and naive sexual expression that is more than grateful to wade in the same septic tank as those who have disintegrated in the sewage before them (and in some cases, whose skeletons are probably still floating). I need to know what sort of pop-culture dumpster the consumption drones are diving into these days.
on the plus side, i'm sure more than a few boners will be popped, further fueling the sexual aggravation currently coloring my most recent lyrical output. I mean.. i still have a cock, and my cock don't got ears.... that's why Rihanna remains a favorite of his.
so as the Joisey Shaw marathon winds to a close, i'm gonna grab some coffee... cause it's gonna be a long one...
so here's the pre-show. oh good, Kayne West is doing a movie. "This year is ALL ABOUT collaborations". translation: a-musically abominable clusterfucks ahead. hurr... there's still an Eminem, apparently. Nikki Minaj aka Blacky Gaga is performing on the pre-show.. Awwww it's Pawamowe.... dey sooo cuuuuuuuute. I still think this bitch is Vitamin C in the dryer. meh... i'd hold her head underwater... with my baallllllls. Some asian broad is talking about fashion. Ne-Yo has arrived. they're still talking about this Mikki Ninage character. she's hot because the tv people say so. this little orange broad is apparently MTV first "Twitter-Jockie". shorten that to "Twit" and you may have something. and here's Sway talking to masturbation's guilty pleasure Katy Perry. Her outfit looks like Venom came on her chest. they're shilling Joisey Shaw some more. they're fighting over who i wanna fuck less. "yous". Katy Perry's voice is ipecac of the ears. hurr... there's still a Jackass, apparently.
commercials.
and we're back. more people i've never heard of flaunting success that i'll never know. They are really pushing Black Lady Gaga on the peoples. the color theme this year is apparently Oreo. Sean Kingston is here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Did you hear Nikki Minaj was playing? oh splendid, Snooki is here. "a fashion icon".... this bitch looks like Hulk Hogan's bicep became sentient. Lady Gaga just one the first two awards. her come the pain.
commercials.
Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. also Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj.
Jared Letos to Mars just rode in on Bicycles with a bunch of Adam and the Ants looking clownshoes. more people i don't care about are here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Sneak peak of some sure-to-be terrible show about assholes being dicks. BIEBER HAS ARRIVED.. I take comfort in the fact that every boy that's ever been raped in a Dennis Cooper story looks like Justin Bieber.
Nikki Minajge!
commercials.
we're back. NIKKI MINAJ IS FINALLY PERFORMING! finally the secrets of the untold beyond will be revealed!. she's sampling "No More I Love Yous" by Annie Lennox. i miss singers. now she's sampling "Video Killed the Radio Star"... right, and MTV Killed the Video Star. seriously... this if fucking awful. it's just dreadful party hip-hop about fucking... BUT OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING A PINK BEE-HIVE WIG. so outrageous. glad my assumptions of her being Black Lady Gaga are completely on-target. she's not even that hot. glad that shit is over.
commercials.
we're back. i'm already feeling woozy. now they're talking about phones. Venture Bros. season premieres later tonight. that has nothing to do with anything, just sayin. now they're talking to the way-too-old-to-be-doing-this-stupid-fucking-bullshit Jackass crew. seriously.. Johnny Knoxville has to be like 58 years old. Jersy Shore fuckbags are reviewing the Jackass 3d movie. my soul is vomiting. "Lady Gaga never disappoints". you guys can stop talking about Nikki Minaj now. They're talking to some True Blood peoples. Evan Rachel Wood is here to premiere a Gucci Fragrance Commercial directed by Frank Miller. no... that wasn't one of my stream-of-conscious sentence fragments. all of that was actually said on TV.
commercials.
we back. 10 minutes till the rest of eternity. Here comes the Kayne West. Here's some bullshit "short film" designed to promote the album... looks like Lars Von Trier jerking off. Whose fashion will Lady Gaga rip-off tonight? oooOOOooo I just saw Emma Stone in a black leather mini-dress. my cock is melting. Ke$ha is wearing a dress made from a plastic bag, probably because she is dogshit. her weave looks like something fished out of a bathtub on an episode of Hoarders.
commercials. Justin Bieber is singing Happy Birthday to Happy Birthday. is that some Adam Sandler character or something?
we back. Eminem is making his "comeback". don't you have to go away for awhile? oh good, an interview w/ Lady Gaga. she's dressed like ribboned peacock turdcoils with piss-weeds growing out of the waste. "you bring awareness of things". If i was gay i'd tell this cunt "fuck off you faggot".
so here we are.... Eminem's here... and oh dear, he's doing one of his "serious" songs. He wrote this shit better ten years ago, because then people actually cared enough to give him shit. now it's just needy, creatively reductive, and just flat-out pathetic. oh good, he's singing. I liked him better when he sang about cutting off feminists heads and doing coke. stop pretending you're not HipHop's misogynistic bloodthirsty court jester and get back to being fun, you stupid dick.
Chelesea Handler's arm-fat is your host. now Handler's taking the stage. Doing a Lady Gaga send up. she has a dollhouse on her head. A dove has been released from her box. Nice legs. It's been sixteen years since a woman hosted the show, but that woman was Roseanne, so you can understand the trepidation. This basic-cable blowtard is bombing harder then the morning of 9 years and a day ago. too soon?
Here's Ellen Degeneres... cause you know, it's 1997. Best female video. Beyonce/Lady Gaga, Ke$Ha, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga AGAIN, Taylor Swift. it goes to Gady LaLa for "Ad Bromance". I can't believe Lady Gaga beat Lady Gaga. "thank you to all the gays". hurm... suddenly homophobia makes sense. Handler, who spends night after night making fun of these dicks, is now kissing their asses. what a cunt-button. Justin Bieber in 9 minutes. be afraid.
commercials. one of the faggots from Blink-182 has a talk show. cause you know, it's 1997. and Brett Michaels has ANOTHER show. i wish he would just die of "who gives a fuck?" already.
we back. cast of AckJass is out again. nominess for best rock video. MGMT, Florence and the Machine, 30 Seconds to Mars, Muse (Surprise! it sounds like melodramatic superhero music), Paramore. wow. and goes to 30 Seconds to Mars. double wow. really? you sure? okay... goodbye. "Fashion Icon" Kim Kardasian, implying that she is going to molest Justin Bieber. I wish i was a vagina that learned to walk upright. here it is... everyone's favorite prom night dumpster baby Justin Bieber. normally i abhor the sound of stupid screaming tweens, but i'm hoping they drown out this fetal husk soon. also i hope Peter Sotos writes a book about him. This makes me long for the authenticity of Joey Lawrence's"Nothin' My Love Can't Fix". Jesus jumping dog shit he's playing the drums. Usher in 5.
commercials. Facebook: the Movie, starring Jesse Eisenberg; the Skeet Ulrich to Michael Cera's Johnny Depp.
we back. here's Meh$ha and some other disposable RNB zero out to introduce Usher. jesus... this guy still? he should have never been more than a homosexual background dancer for Janet Jackson. the dancers are at least hot. fuck-me-boots are always welcome. they've now been replaced by queermos in hoodies, sending my boner into the ground. this performance just will not frigging stop. it sounds like its trying to punch me. I'm still waiting to hear an actual song tonight. Katy Perry and Black Lady Gaga are out to present best male video. Usher, Drake, B.O.B., Eminem, Jason Durello. it goes to Eminem. whoopee. Florence and the Machine in 6 minutes. oh wow... actual music. only took 50 fucking minutes.
commercials. these Free Credit Score. com ads are pig-vomit. also its sad that the only time Drew Barrymore looks hot anymore are on commercials for eye-liner or when voicing a character on Family Guy. coming october 8th to a theater near you; Katherine Heigel has Poo on Her Face. seriously.
we back. some bitch from Twilight and Angelface are out to introduce Florence and the Machine. this song is cool, depsite being the new go-to track for execrable Julia Roberts romcoms. She's pretty in a nice, earthy way... but she seems like someone who likes to talk about crystals a lot. Howbout that... something listenable and classy. now here's some skinny black guy dropping rhymes about how awesome he is. glad we cleared up the class quickly. wouldn't want people to get the impression that this is about music after all. Rihanna in 90 seconds. boners in 100. N.E.R.D. is w/ Ciara. She's not quite the stroke-muse that Rihanna is, but she still looks like a nice workout. a performance by Taylor Swift, whose face sees Rene Zellwegger in its future.
commercials. half -way through this shit.
we back. Here's the cast of Glee, a show i wished would cease to exist 12 days before it premiered. best pop video. Katy Perry. Meh$ha. Beyonce. B.O.B. Lady Gaga. who do you think? Lady Gaga, now dressed like a stegosaurus condom. here's Chris Pine and Rosario Dawson to introduce Taylor Swift. "her songs come out of her diary". whatever. here's some sadsackery about last year's meme involving professional anus-pump Kayne West. you could here white-trash 'merica cocking their guns at the sight of the negro in rhinestone sunglasses making their dream punching bag cry. she seems like a sweet kid and all, but there's no personality to this dreck. this song should've been over 2 minutes ago. now here's a recap of the best video nominees. Best New Artist and Kayne next. "Where the Fuck is Rihanna!!!?" - my cock.
commercials.
we back. more of Chelsea Handler not being funny.
here's the cast of Fuck You, Myspace to introduce Drake w/ Mary J Blige and Swiss Beats. too much i-don't- give-a-fuck for one hand. if its not "I'm Going Down", then i don't care about Blige. roughly a 1/2 left of this crap. pretty unremarkable show. crikey is this shit boring. it's gonna take a lot of 90s metallic hardcore and a lot of Italian Nazi Exploitation films to reinvigorate my spirit.
commericals. here's that Frank Miller Gucci ad. Still not as lame as the Spirit, and more convincingly written then All-Star Batman and Robin. NERRRRRRRD.
we back. only 28 minutes to go. the fucking Jersey Shore dopes again? here's Sophia Varga. she's on some sitcom i think. Best Hip-Hop video. Eminem. B.O.B. Drake, Kid Cuddy. Jay-Z, for "On to the Next One", which should fucking win because it's a cool tune and the video looks great... so of course we're giving it to Eminem. what-the-fuck-ever. Paramore in 4 minutes. OH BOY GET READY TO ROCK.
commercials. KEEP TWEETIN' YOU TWEETS.
we back. here's Selena Gomez, the best thing to happen to pedophila since the windowless van. Here's B.O.B. and Paramore together, cause they're running out of time, so they have to play at the same time i guess. I missed the days when rappers killed each other. As expected, this is an ill-advised goatfuck of Christina Aquleria/Fred Durst duet proportions. i guess if i had a little girl i'd rather her listen to Paramore than Katy Perry or Meh$ha. at least their frontgirl isn't just some record company fucktoy parroting the pedophilic fantasies of label yes-men. guess i missed Rihanna... apparently she was the redhead performing with Eminem at the begining of the show. my cock just sighed in defeat.
commercials. only 10 minutes to go!
we back. Best New Artist is about to be announced. Justin Bieber got it. Score one for Lesbians. Here's Emma Stone. Here's my hard-on. here's Linkin Park. here's my waning libido. odd that Linkin Park is playing, as the next Transformers movie doesn't come out until next year. BAH ZING. this sounds like Nine Inch N'Sync. these pipsqueaks are still singing about middle school. this was old hat 15 years ago. "but their first record came out 10 years ago". YES I KNOW. *wink* video of the year and Kayne's finale.... oh shit is he gonna go all Bud Dwyer on us? *crosses fingers and grins like a dope*.
commercials. WE'RE IN THE RED NOW. END THIS ALREADY. Burlesque coming soon. Burlesque jumped the shark 8 years ago w/ the original incarnation of the Pussycat Dolls, now it's just several floating limbs gnawed by plankton at the bottom of the sea. nuh-exxt????
we back. this is the end. here's Cher. say hello to your future Katy Gaga. Oh no... she's wearing the "Turn Back Time" outfit. my tortures will never end. i can feel the back of my eyes braid in protest. video of teh year. Lady Gaga. Florence and the Machine. 30 Seconds to Mars. Lady Gaga/Beyonce. Eminem. B.O.B. the winner is of COURSE Gags. She's wearing a dress made of meat, which has been done by so many other people so many other times that my brain is choking on names right now.
here's Aziz Ansari to introduce Kayne West. jeezus... why didn't this guy host? Aziz i mean. here's Kayne West to play his newest self aggrandizing piece of fuck-off. "Let's have a toast for the Douchebags, Assholes, Jerk-offs". that's the chorus. the song in summary is about West being a insufferable piece of shit and how you should love him for it because he's made records and you haven't so you're stupid anyway. there's the autotune. it's 11:13. please stop this now.
oh kay it's finally over. i'm gonna go masturbate with my own tears. g'night... and remember, GO TEAM VENTURE!
This year promises to be especially excrement lathered, what with the ascension of specimens like Justin Bieber and Keisha, driving pop music so much further into the ground that even C.H.U.Ds are craning deep downward at the maggot-chewed remains. there remains several lone bright spots in the likes of Janelle Monae, Florence and the Machine, La Roux, and Katy Perry's photo shoots, but unfortunately these are often overlooked in favor of the vapid likes of Lady Gaga, Ciara (thought making me scream "built to fuck!" in a wall shattering staccato is worth noting), and Katy Perry's recorded output.
so as i enjoy the mournful pangs of Throbbing Gristle's "Weeping" and the anthemic spitefulness of PIL's "Public Image", i briefly wave goodbye to honesty, artfulness, the creatively articulate and the explosions from within the void, and prepare myself for an evening of maddening commercial banality and naive sexual expression that is more than grateful to wade in the same septic tank as those who have disintegrated in the sewage before them (and in some cases, whose skeletons are probably still floating). I need to know what sort of pop-culture dumpster the consumption drones are diving into these days.
on the plus side, i'm sure more than a few boners will be popped, further fueling the sexual aggravation currently coloring my most recent lyrical output. I mean.. i still have a cock, and my cock don't got ears.... that's why Rihanna remains a favorite of his.
so as the Joisey Shaw marathon winds to a close, i'm gonna grab some coffee... cause it's gonna be a long one...
so here's the pre-show. oh good, Kayne West is doing a movie. "This year is ALL ABOUT collaborations". translation: a-musically abominable clusterfucks ahead. hurr... there's still an Eminem, apparently. Nikki Minaj aka Blacky Gaga is performing on the pre-show.. Awwww it's Pawamowe.... dey sooo cuuuuuuuute. I still think this bitch is Vitamin C in the dryer. meh... i'd hold her head underwater... with my baallllllls. Some asian broad is talking about fashion. Ne-Yo has arrived. they're still talking about this Mikki Ninage character. she's hot because the tv people say so. this little orange broad is apparently MTV first "Twitter-Jockie". shorten that to "Twit" and you may have something. and here's Sway talking to masturbation's guilty pleasure Katy Perry. Her outfit looks like Venom came on her chest. they're shilling Joisey Shaw some more. they're fighting over who i wanna fuck less. "yous". Katy Perry's voice is ipecac of the ears. hurr... there's still a Jackass, apparently.
commercials.
and we're back. more people i've never heard of flaunting success that i'll never know. They are really pushing Black Lady Gaga on the peoples. the color theme this year is apparently Oreo. Sean Kingston is here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Did you hear Nikki Minaj was playing? oh splendid, Snooki is here. "a fashion icon".... this bitch looks like Hulk Hogan's bicep became sentient. Lady Gaga just one the first two awards. her come the pain.
commercials.
Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. also Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj.
Jared Letos to Mars just rode in on Bicycles with a bunch of Adam and the Ants looking clownshoes. more people i don't care about are here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Sneak peak of some sure-to-be terrible show about assholes being dicks. BIEBER HAS ARRIVED.. I take comfort in the fact that every boy that's ever been raped in a Dennis Cooper story looks like Justin Bieber.
Nikki Minajge!
commercials.
we're back. NIKKI MINAJ IS FINALLY PERFORMING! finally the secrets of the untold beyond will be revealed!. she's sampling "No More I Love Yous" by Annie Lennox. i miss singers. now she's sampling "Video Killed the Radio Star"... right, and MTV Killed the Video Star. seriously... this if fucking awful. it's just dreadful party hip-hop about fucking... BUT OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING A PINK BEE-HIVE WIG. so outrageous. glad my assumptions of her being Black Lady Gaga are completely on-target. she's not even that hot. glad that shit is over.
commercials.
we're back. i'm already feeling woozy. now they're talking about phones. Venture Bros. season premieres later tonight. that has nothing to do with anything, just sayin. now they're talking to the way-too-old-to-be-doing-this-stupid-fucking-bullshit Jackass crew. seriously.. Johnny Knoxville has to be like 58 years old. Jersy Shore fuckbags are reviewing the Jackass 3d movie. my soul is vomiting. "Lady Gaga never disappoints". you guys can stop talking about Nikki Minaj now. They're talking to some True Blood peoples. Evan Rachel Wood is here to premiere a Gucci Fragrance Commercial directed by Frank Miller. no... that wasn't one of my stream-of-conscious sentence fragments. all of that was actually said on TV.
commercials.
we back. 10 minutes till the rest of eternity. Here comes the Kayne West. Here's some bullshit "short film" designed to promote the album... looks like Lars Von Trier jerking off. Whose fashion will Lady Gaga rip-off tonight? oooOOOooo I just saw Emma Stone in a black leather mini-dress. my cock is melting. Ke$ha is wearing a dress made from a plastic bag, probably because she is dogshit. her weave looks like something fished out of a bathtub on an episode of Hoarders.
commercials. Justin Bieber is singing Happy Birthday to Happy Birthday. is that some Adam Sandler character or something?
we back. Eminem is making his "comeback". don't you have to go away for awhile? oh good, an interview w/ Lady Gaga. she's dressed like ribboned peacock turdcoils with piss-weeds growing out of the waste. "you bring awareness of things". If i was gay i'd tell this cunt "fuck off you faggot".
so here we are.... Eminem's here... and oh dear, he's doing one of his "serious" songs. He wrote this shit better ten years ago, because then people actually cared enough to give him shit. now it's just needy, creatively reductive, and just flat-out pathetic. oh good, he's singing. I liked him better when he sang about cutting off feminists heads and doing coke. stop pretending you're not HipHop's misogynistic bloodthirsty court jester and get back to being fun, you stupid dick.
Chelesea Handler's arm-fat is your host. now Handler's taking the stage. Doing a Lady Gaga send up. she has a dollhouse on her head. A dove has been released from her box. Nice legs. It's been sixteen years since a woman hosted the show, but that woman was Roseanne, so you can understand the trepidation. This basic-cable blowtard is bombing harder then the morning of 9 years and a day ago. too soon?
Here's Ellen Degeneres... cause you know, it's 1997. Best female video. Beyonce/Lady Gaga, Ke$Ha, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga AGAIN, Taylor Swift. it goes to Gady LaLa for "Ad Bromance". I can't believe Lady Gaga beat Lady Gaga. "thank you to all the gays". hurm... suddenly homophobia makes sense. Handler, who spends night after night making fun of these dicks, is now kissing their asses. what a cunt-button. Justin Bieber in 9 minutes. be afraid.
commercials. one of the faggots from Blink-182 has a talk show. cause you know, it's 1997. and Brett Michaels has ANOTHER show. i wish he would just die of "who gives a fuck?" already.
we back. cast of AckJass is out again. nominess for best rock video. MGMT, Florence and the Machine, 30 Seconds to Mars, Muse (Surprise! it sounds like melodramatic superhero music), Paramore. wow. and goes to 30 Seconds to Mars. double wow. really? you sure? okay... goodbye. "Fashion Icon" Kim Kardasian, implying that she is going to molest Justin Bieber. I wish i was a vagina that learned to walk upright. here it is... everyone's favorite prom night dumpster baby Justin Bieber. normally i abhor the sound of stupid screaming tweens, but i'm hoping they drown out this fetal husk soon. also i hope Peter Sotos writes a book about him. This makes me long for the authenticity of Joey Lawrence's"Nothin' My Love Can't Fix". Jesus jumping dog shit he's playing the drums. Usher in 5.
commercials. Facebook: the Movie, starring Jesse Eisenberg; the Skeet Ulrich to Michael Cera's Johnny Depp.
we back. here's Meh$ha and some other disposable RNB zero out to introduce Usher. jesus... this guy still? he should have never been more than a homosexual background dancer for Janet Jackson. the dancers are at least hot. fuck-me-boots are always welcome. they've now been replaced by queermos in hoodies, sending my boner into the ground. this performance just will not frigging stop. it sounds like its trying to punch me. I'm still waiting to hear an actual song tonight. Katy Perry and Black Lady Gaga are out to present best male video. Usher, Drake, B.O.B., Eminem, Jason Durello. it goes to Eminem. whoopee. Florence and the Machine in 6 minutes. oh wow... actual music. only took 50 fucking minutes.
commercials. these Free Credit Score. com ads are pig-vomit. also its sad that the only time Drew Barrymore looks hot anymore are on commercials for eye-liner or when voicing a character on Family Guy. coming october 8th to a theater near you; Katherine Heigel has Poo on Her Face. seriously.
we back. some bitch from Twilight and Angelface are out to introduce Florence and the Machine. this song is cool, depsite being the new go-to track for execrable Julia Roberts romcoms. She's pretty in a nice, earthy way... but she seems like someone who likes to talk about crystals a lot. Howbout that... something listenable and classy. now here's some skinny black guy dropping rhymes about how awesome he is. glad we cleared up the class quickly. wouldn't want people to get the impression that this is about music after all. Rihanna in 90 seconds. boners in 100. N.E.R.D. is w/ Ciara. She's not quite the stroke-muse that Rihanna is, but she still looks like a nice workout. a performance by Taylor Swift, whose face sees Rene Zellwegger in its future.
commercials. half -way through this shit.
we back. Here's the cast of Glee, a show i wished would cease to exist 12 days before it premiered. best pop video. Katy Perry. Meh$ha. Beyonce. B.O.B. Lady Gaga. who do you think? Lady Gaga, now dressed like a stegosaurus condom. here's Chris Pine and Rosario Dawson to introduce Taylor Swift. "her songs come out of her diary". whatever. here's some sadsackery about last year's meme involving professional anus-pump Kayne West. you could here white-trash 'merica cocking their guns at the sight of the negro in rhinestone sunglasses making their dream punching bag cry. she seems like a sweet kid and all, but there's no personality to this dreck. this song should've been over 2 minutes ago. now here's a recap of the best video nominees. Best New Artist and Kayne next. "Where the Fuck is Rihanna!!!?" - my cock.
commercials.
we back. more of Chelsea Handler not being funny.
here's the cast of Fuck You, Myspace to introduce Drake w/ Mary J Blige and Swiss Beats. too much i-don't- give-a-fuck for one hand. if its not "I'm Going Down", then i don't care about Blige. roughly a 1/2 left of this crap. pretty unremarkable show. crikey is this shit boring. it's gonna take a lot of 90s metallic hardcore and a lot of Italian Nazi Exploitation films to reinvigorate my spirit.
commericals. here's that Frank Miller Gucci ad. Still not as lame as the Spirit, and more convincingly written then All-Star Batman and Robin. NERRRRRRRD.
we back. only 28 minutes to go. the fucking Jersey Shore dopes again? here's Sophia Varga. she's on some sitcom i think. Best Hip-Hop video. Eminem. B.O.B. Drake, Kid Cuddy. Jay-Z, for "On to the Next One", which should fucking win because it's a cool tune and the video looks great... so of course we're giving it to Eminem. what-the-fuck-ever. Paramore in 4 minutes. OH BOY GET READY TO ROCK.
commercials. KEEP TWEETIN' YOU TWEETS.
we back. here's Selena Gomez, the best thing to happen to pedophila since the windowless van. Here's B.O.B. and Paramore together, cause they're running out of time, so they have to play at the same time i guess. I missed the days when rappers killed each other. As expected, this is an ill-advised goatfuck of Christina Aquleria/Fred Durst duet proportions. i guess if i had a little girl i'd rather her listen to Paramore than Katy Perry or Meh$ha. at least their frontgirl isn't just some record company fucktoy parroting the pedophilic fantasies of label yes-men. guess i missed Rihanna... apparently she was the redhead performing with Eminem at the begining of the show. my cock just sighed in defeat.
commercials. only 10 minutes to go!
we back. Best New Artist is about to be announced. Justin Bieber got it. Score one for Lesbians. Here's Emma Stone. Here's my hard-on. here's Linkin Park. here's my waning libido. odd that Linkin Park is playing, as the next Transformers movie doesn't come out until next year. BAH ZING. this sounds like Nine Inch N'Sync. these pipsqueaks are still singing about middle school. this was old hat 15 years ago. "but their first record came out 10 years ago". YES I KNOW. *wink* video of the year and Kayne's finale.... oh shit is he gonna go all Bud Dwyer on us? *crosses fingers and grins like a dope*.
commercials. WE'RE IN THE RED NOW. END THIS ALREADY. Burlesque coming soon. Burlesque jumped the shark 8 years ago w/ the original incarnation of the Pussycat Dolls, now it's just several floating limbs gnawed by plankton at the bottom of the sea. nuh-exxt????
we back. this is the end. here's Cher. say hello to your future Katy Gaga. Oh no... she's wearing the "Turn Back Time" outfit. my tortures will never end. i can feel the back of my eyes braid in protest. video of teh year. Lady Gaga. Florence and the Machine. 30 Seconds to Mars. Lady Gaga/Beyonce. Eminem. B.O.B. the winner is of COURSE Gags. She's wearing a dress made of meat, which has been done by so many other people so many other times that my brain is choking on names right now.
here's Aziz Ansari to introduce Kayne West. jeezus... why didn't this guy host? Aziz i mean. here's Kayne West to play his newest self aggrandizing piece of fuck-off. "Let's have a toast for the Douchebags, Assholes, Jerk-offs". that's the chorus. the song in summary is about West being a insufferable piece of shit and how you should love him for it because he's made records and you haven't so you're stupid anyway. there's the autotune. it's 11:13. please stop this now.
oh kay it's finally over. i'm gonna go masturbate with my own tears. g'night... and remember, GO TEAM VENTURE!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Does God have a crush on us? vol. 4 / Hmph! vol. 3
Jodorowsky Turns Blood into Gold and Shares it at NYC's Museum of Art & Design
With the winding down of Venice and Telluride and all the build up towards Toronto, Fantastic Fest, and NYFF, neat little programs like the one the Museum of Art and Design is putting on can get lost in the shuffle. Alejandro Jodorowsky is certainly a filmmaker of a particular cinematic taste, so it seems fitting enough that a museum whose acronym is MAD hosts his first American retrospective complete with a "master class" taught by the elder auteur himself.
Take a look at the complete events running from September 23rd - October 8th.
Take a look at the complete events running from September 23rd - October 8th.
The Museum of Arts and Design is proud to present Blood into Gold: The Cinematic Alchemy of Alejandro Jodorowsky, showcasing the complete body of film work as a core component to a series exploring the broad influence of this groundbreaking auteur. Jodorowsky will be teaching a master class on September 25th that will give insight into his thinking on filmmaking. He will also introduce and participate in a Q&A for the first two films (El Topo on September 23rd and Holy Mountain on September 24th) of this three week film series.
For ticket purchases and more information please go to Gold.madmuseum.org
REALLY wish this wasn't sold out;
Master Class with Director Alejandro Jodorowsky
Saturday, September 25 at 3:00 pm
but seeing this in a theater may make up for it.
doesn't look like that will happen though, given that these fucking geniuses thought it would be prudent to screen Jodorowsky movies before Midnight. i mean 7 pm on a Friday? these were made for Midnight. FACT.
check it out if you can, cause it doesn't look like i'll be able too.
Hmph!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 160
COLD FISH Trailer Debut!
The cult of director Sion Sono grew exponentially with the arrival of last year's stunning four hour opus Love Exposure and it looks poised to take another big leap forward with the arrival of Cold Fish. Due to screen in both the Venice and Toronto festivals, the small handful that have already seen Sono's serial killer thriller are already proclaiming it his best yet and Twitch is proud to debut both the official trailer and a handful of new stills. But first, the official synopsis:
Shamoto runs a small tropical fish shop and leads a boring, but stable life. His second wife, Taeko, does not get along with his daughter, Mitsuko, and this worries him. He also feels somehow unfulfilled and dissatisfied with what his life has become.
One day Mitsuko is caught shoplifting at a department store. There they meet a friendly man named Murata, who helps to settle things between Mitsuko and the store manager. Since Murata also runs a tropical fish shop, Shamoto establishes a bond with him and they become friends; Mitsuko even begins working for Murata and living at his house, to avoid conflicts with her stepmother.
What Shamoto doesn't know, however, is that Murata hides many dark secrets behind his friendly face. He sells cheap fish to his customers for high prices with his artful lies. If anyone detects his fraud or refuses to go along with his money-making schemes, they're murdered and their bodies disposed of by Murata and his wife in grisly ways. Shamoto is slowly taken in by Murata's tactics, and by the time he realizes that Murata is insane, and a serial killer who has made over fifty people disappear, he is powerless to do anything about it. But now Mitsuko is a hostage at Murata's home, and Shamoto himself has become the killer's unwilling accomplice!
Meanwhile, the murders, without any trace of the bodies, continue unabated. The police have long suspected Murata and try to get information about him from Shamoto; Murata quickly senses the danger and threatens Shamoto not to report anything to the police.
In the end, the conflict between Shamoto and Murata will result in murder, insanity, and an ordinary man being driven to the edge of the abyss.
Double You, Tea F. vol. 107 (I Believe the Childen are our Future)
why are the CHILDEN always the first to go?
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