So yeah... it's a dreary miserable sort of night. dark blue and rainy. listening to Antioch Arrow and as much good music as i can in the next 35 minutes, because when said 35 minutes are up i will be undertaking (i can think of no-more appropriate a word) a play-by-play of the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.
This year promises to be especially excrement lathered, what with the ascension of specimens like Justin Bieber and Keisha, driving pop music so much further into the ground that even C.H.U.Ds are craning deep downward at the maggot-chewed remains. there remains several lone bright spots in the likes of Janelle Monae, Florence and the Machine, La Roux, and Katy Perry's photo shoots, but unfortunately these are often overlooked in favor of the vapid likes of Lady Gaga, Ciara (thought making me scream "built to fuck!" in a wall shattering staccato is worth noting), and Katy Perry's recorded output.
so as i enjoy the mournful pangs of Throbbing Gristle's "Weeping" and the anthemic spitefulness of PIL's "Public Image", i briefly wave goodbye to honesty, artfulness, the creatively articulate and the explosions from within the void, and prepare myself for an evening of maddening commercial banality and naive sexual expression that is more than grateful to wade in the same septic tank as those who have disintegrated in the sewage before them (and in some cases, whose skeletons are probably still floating). I need to know what sort of pop-culture dumpster the consumption drones are diving into these days.
on the plus side, i'm sure more than a few boners will be popped, further fueling the sexual aggravation currently coloring my most recent lyrical output. I mean.. i still have a cock, and my cock don't got ears.... that's why Rihanna remains a favorite of his.
so as the Joisey Shaw marathon winds to a close, i'm gonna grab some coffee... cause it's gonna be a long one...
so here's the pre-show. oh good, Kayne West is doing a movie. "This year is ALL ABOUT collaborations". translation: a-musically abominable clusterfucks ahead. hurr... there's still an Eminem, apparently. Nikki Minaj aka Blacky Gaga is performing on the pre-show.. Awwww it's Pawamowe.... dey sooo cuuuuuuuute. I still think this bitch is Vitamin C in the dryer. meh... i'd hold her head underwater... with my baallllllls. Some asian broad is talking about fashion. Ne-Yo has arrived. they're still talking about this Mikki Ninage character. she's hot because the tv people say so. this little orange broad is apparently MTV first "Twitter-Jockie". shorten that to "Twit" and you may have something. and here's Sway talking to masturbation's guilty pleasure Katy Perry. Her outfit looks like Venom came on her chest. they're shilling Joisey Shaw some more. they're fighting over who i wanna fuck less. "yous". Katy Perry's voice is ipecac of the ears. hurr... there's still a Jackass, apparently.
and we're back. more people i've never heard of flaunting success that i'll never know. They are really pushing Black Lady Gaga on the peoples. the color theme this year is apparently Oreo. Sean Kingston is here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Did you hear Nikki Minaj was playing? oh splendid, Snooki is here. "a fashion icon".... this bitch looks like Hulk Hogan's bicep became sentient. Lady Gaga just one the first two awards. her come the pain.
Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. also Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj.
Jared Letos to Mars just rode in on Bicycles with a bunch of Adam and the Ants looking clownshoes. more people i don't care about are here to talk about Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj Nikki Minage Nikki. Minaj Nikki Minaje Nikki Minaj. Nikki Minaj. Sneak peak of some sure-to-be terrible show about assholes being dicks. BIEBER HAS ARRIVED.. I take comfort in the fact that every boy that's ever been raped in a Dennis Cooper story looks like Justin Bieber.
we're back. NIKKI MINAJ IS FINALLY PERFORMING! finally the secrets of the untold beyond will be revealed!. she's sampling "No More I Love Yous" by Annie Lennox. i miss singers. now she's sampling "Video Killed the Radio Star"... right, and MTV Killed the Video Star. seriously... this if fucking awful. it's just dreadful party hip-hop about fucking... BUT OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING A PINK BEE-HIVE WIG. so outrageous. glad my assumptions of her being Black Lady Gaga are completely on-target. she's not even that hot. glad that shit is over.
we're back. i'm already feeling woozy. now they're talking about phones. Venture Bros. season premieres later tonight. that has nothing to do with anything, just sayin. now they're talking to the way-too-old-to-be-doing-this-stupid-fucking-bullshit Jackass crew. seriously.. Johnny Knoxville has to be like 58 years old. Jersy Shore fuckbags are reviewing the Jackass 3d movie. my soul is vomiting. "Lady Gaga never disappoints". you guys can stop talking about Nikki Minaj now. They're talking to some True Blood peoples. Evan Rachel Wood is here to premiere a Gucci Fragrance Commercial directed by Frank Miller. no... that wasn't one of my stream-of-conscious sentence fragments. all of that was actually said on TV.
we back. 10 minutes till the rest of eternity. Here comes the Kayne West. Here's some bullshit "short film" designed to promote the album... looks like Lars Von Trier jerking off. Whose fashion will Lady Gaga rip-off tonight? oooOOOooo I just saw Emma Stone in a black leather mini-dress. my cock is melting. Ke$ha is wearing a dress made from a plastic bag, probably because she is dogshit. her weave looks like something fished out of a bathtub on an episode of Hoarders.
commercials. Justin Bieber is singing Happy Birthday to Happy Birthday. is that some Adam Sandler character or something?
we back. Eminem is making his "comeback". don't you have to go away for awhile? oh good, an interview w/ Lady Gaga. she's dressed like ribboned peacock turdcoils with piss-weeds growing out of the waste. "you bring awareness of things". If i was gay i'd tell this cunt "fuck off you faggot".
so here we are.... Eminem's here... and oh dear, he's doing one of his "serious" songs. He wrote this shit better ten years ago, because then people actually cared enough to give him shit. now it's just needy, creatively reductive, and just flat-out pathetic. oh good, he's singing. I liked him better when he sang about cutting off feminists heads and doing coke. stop pretending you're not HipHop's misogynistic bloodthirsty court jester and get back to being fun, you stupid dick.
Chelesea Handler's arm-fat is your host. now Handler's taking the stage. Doing a Lady Gaga send up. she has a dollhouse on her head. A dove has been released from her box. Nice legs. It's been sixteen years since a woman hosted the show, but that woman was Roseanne, so you can understand the trepidation. This basic-cable blowtard is bombing harder then the morning of 9 years and a day ago. too soon?
Here's Ellen Degeneres... cause you know, it's 1997. Best female video. Beyonce/Lady Gaga, Ke$Ha, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga AGAIN, Taylor Swift. it goes to Gady LaLa for "Ad Bromance". I can't believe Lady Gaga beat Lady Gaga. "thank you to all the gays". hurm... suddenly homophobia makes sense. Handler, who spends night after night making fun of these dicks, is now kissing their asses. what a cunt-button. Justin Bieber in 9 minutes. be afraid.
commercials. one of the faggots from Blink-182 has a talk show. cause you know, it's 1997. and Brett Michaels has ANOTHER show. i wish he would just die of "who gives a fuck?" already.
we back. cast of AckJass is out again. nominess for best rock video. MGMT, Florence and the Machine, 30 Seconds to Mars, Muse (Surprise! it sounds like melodramatic superhero music), Paramore. wow. and goes to 30 Seconds to Mars. double wow. really? you sure? okay... goodbye. "Fashion Icon" Kim Kardasian, implying that she is going to molest Justin Bieber. I wish i was a vagina that learned to walk upright. here it is... everyone's favorite prom night dumpster baby Justin Bieber. normally i abhor the sound of stupid screaming tweens, but i'm hoping they drown out this fetal husk soon. also i hope Peter Sotos writes a book about him. This makes me long for the authenticity of Joey Lawrence's"Nothin' My Love Can't Fix". Jesus jumping dog shit he's playing the drums. Usher in 5.
commercials. Facebook: the Movie, starring Jesse Eisenberg; the Skeet Ulrich to Michael Cera's Johnny Depp.
we back. here's Meh$ha and some other disposable RNB zero out to introduce Usher. jesus... this guy still? he should have never been more than a homosexual background dancer for Janet Jackson. the dancers are at least hot. fuck-me-boots are always welcome. they've now been replaced by queermos in hoodies, sending my boner into the ground. this performance just will not frigging stop. it sounds like its trying to punch me. I'm still waiting to hear an actual song tonight. Katy Perry and Black Lady Gaga are out to present best male video. Usher, Drake, B.O.B., Eminem, Jason Durello. it goes to Eminem. whoopee. Florence and the Machine in 6 minutes. oh wow... actual music. only took 50 fucking minutes.
commercials. these Free Credit Score. com ads are pig-vomit. also its sad that the only time Drew Barrymore looks hot anymore are on commercials for eye-liner or when voicing a character on Family Guy. coming october 8th to a theater near you; Katherine Heigel has Poo on Her Face. seriously.
we back. some bitch from Twilight and Angelface are out to introduce Florence and the Machine. this song is cool, depsite being the new go-to track for execrable Julia Roberts romcoms. She's pretty in a nice, earthy way... but she seems like someone who likes to talk about crystals a lot. Howbout that... something listenable and classy. now here's some skinny black guy dropping rhymes about how awesome he is. glad we cleared up the class quickly. wouldn't want people to get the impression that this is about music after all. Rihanna in 90 seconds. boners in 100. N.E.R.D. is w/ Ciara. She's not quite the stroke-muse that Rihanna is, but she still looks like a nice workout. a performance by Taylor Swift, whose face sees Rene Zellwegger in its future.
commercials. half -way through this shit.
we back. Here's the cast of Glee, a show i wished would cease to exist 12 days before it premiered. best pop video. Katy Perry. Meh$ha. Beyonce. B.O.B. Lady Gaga. who do you think? Lady Gaga, now dressed like a stegosaurus condom. here's Chris Pine and Rosario Dawson to introduce Taylor Swift. "her songs come out of her diary". whatever. here's some sadsackery about last year's meme involving professional anus-pump Kayne West. you could here white-trash 'merica cocking their guns at the sight of the negro in rhinestone sunglasses making their dream punching bag cry. she seems like a sweet kid and all, but there's no personality to this dreck. this song should've been over 2 minutes ago. now here's a recap of the best video nominees. Best New Artist and Kayne next. "Where the Fuck is Rihanna!!!?" - my cock.
we back. more of Chelsea Handler not being funny.
here's the cast of Fuck You, Myspace to introduce Drake w/ Mary J Blige and Swiss Beats. too much i-don't- give-a-fuck for one hand. if its not "I'm Going Down", then i don't care about Blige. roughly a 1/2 left of this crap. pretty unremarkable show. crikey is this shit boring. it's gonna take a lot of 90s metallic hardcore and a lot of Italian Nazi Exploitation films to reinvigorate my spirit.
commericals. here's that Frank Miller Gucci ad. Still not as lame as the Spirit, and more convincingly written then All-Star Batman and Robin. NERRRRRRRD.
we back. only 28 minutes to go. the fucking Jersey Shore dopes again? here's Sophia Varga. she's on some sitcom i think. Best Hip-Hop video. Eminem. B.O.B. Drake, Kid Cuddy. Jay-Z, for "On to the Next One", which should fucking win because it's a cool tune and the video looks great... so of course we're giving it to Eminem. what-the-fuck-ever. Paramore in 4 minutes. OH BOY GET READY TO ROCK.
commercials. KEEP TWEETIN' YOU TWEETS.
we back. here's Selena Gomez, the best thing to happen to pedophila since the windowless van. Here's B.O.B. and Paramore together, cause they're running out of time, so they have to play at the same time i guess. I missed the days when rappers killed each other. As expected, this is an ill-advised goatfuck of Christina Aquleria/Fred Durst duet proportions. i guess if i had a little girl i'd rather her listen to Paramore than Katy Perry or Meh$ha. at least their frontgirl isn't just some record company fucktoy parroting the pedophilic fantasies of label yes-men. guess i missed Rihanna... apparently she was the redhead performing with Eminem at the begining of the show. my cock just sighed in defeat.
commercials. only 10 minutes to go!
we back. Best New Artist is about to be announced. Justin Bieber got it. Score one for Lesbians. Here's Emma Stone. Here's my hard-on. here's Linkin Park. here's my waning libido. odd that Linkin Park is playing, as the next Transformers movie doesn't come out until next year. BAH ZING. this sounds like Nine Inch N'Sync. these pipsqueaks are still singing about middle school. this was old hat 15 years ago. "but their first record came out 10 years ago". YES I KNOW. *wink* video of the year and Kayne's finale.... oh shit is he gonna go all Bud Dwyer on us? *crosses fingers and grins like a dope*.
commercials. WE'RE IN THE RED NOW. END THIS ALREADY. Burlesque coming soon. Burlesque jumped the shark 8 years ago w/ the original incarnation of the Pussycat Dolls, now it's just several floating limbs gnawed by plankton at the bottom of the sea. nuh-exxt????
we back. this is the end. here's Cher. say hello to your future Katy Gaga. Oh no... she's wearing the "Turn Back Time" outfit. my tortures will never end. i can feel the back of my eyes braid in protest. video of teh year. Lady Gaga. Florence and the Machine. 30 Seconds to Mars. Lady Gaga/Beyonce. Eminem. B.O.B. the winner is of COURSE Gags. She's wearing a dress made of meat, which has been done by so many other people so many other times that my brain is choking on names right now.
here's Aziz Ansari to introduce Kayne West. jeezus... why didn't this guy host? Aziz i mean. here's Kayne West to play his newest self aggrandizing piece of fuck-off. "Let's have a toast for the Douchebags, Assholes, Jerk-offs". that's the chorus. the song in summary is about West being a insufferable piece of shit and how you should love him for it because he's made records and you haven't so you're stupid anyway. there's the autotune. it's 11:13. please stop this now.
oh kay it's finally over. i'm gonna go masturbate with my own tears. g'night... and remember, GO TEAM VENTURE!