RETRIBUTIONAL SODOMY: March 2009

running commentary of the Music Choice Metal Channel.

DESTINITY just finished up. what the fuck does that even mean? sounds like a Mr. Show gag. "It's DESTINITYYYY!" *kid slaps hand over his mouth*.

now it's new CANNIBAL CORPSE - "Evisceration Plague" from the record of the same name. Not bad. almost has some MORBID ANGEL riffs. very simple, but simple works better for them than complexity... same goes for the bulk of their fan base. the vocals are the best George "Neck with a Face" Fisher has ever sounded.

now it's BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE - "Suffocating under Words of Sorrow". ...really? i'm convinced this band was created by the Disney Channel. fucking weak ass Allowance Metal for fat girls and skinny guys with fat girl problems. i hate the way Metal bands sound these days. it's become such an antiseptic genre. even the LA Glamour Faggots had more meat on their cheese.

now it's SUICIDE SILENCE - "The Price of Beauty". good... more half-baked pro-tooled far out the ass deathcore with lame pseudo poetic song titles that try to be brooding and deep. that sort of lyric writing that used to be "outside the box" for metal and hardcore has become a god damn box fort for every lame jockhole under the sun. gay.

now it's GRAVEYARD BBQ - "The Clothes that Make the Man". GRAVEYARD BBQ IS Brixx, Black, Wilson, Johnson, and Billy. sounds like bad COC (i mean BAAAAAAAAAD COC) made by white-trash morons who buy t-shirts with skulls and flames on the sleeves at Wal-Mart. Seriously, i'd say they need to give Pepper Keenan royalties, but since i'm pretty sure they get paid in Cheese Doodles and Billy Beer, maybe it's best left alone.

now it's MOONSPELL - "In and Above Men". never could get into them, but compared to what i heard before, this is fantastic. really though, it's decent goth metal, but it's neither goth nor metal enough to be something really special. i'll take Paradise Lost, My Dying Bride, Tiamat, and Sentenced (all early era of course) before listening to anything from Moonspell's catalog. The production is pretty good, though. nothing terrible... decent riff... listenable vocals. nothing i'd buy, but nothing i'd be embarrased about either.

and here's SLIPKNOT - "Sulfur". hurm... still churning out the poser death metal drums/riffs with Corey Taylor's lame angst smothering the music. such fucking paint-by-numbers stuff. the big heavy backyard wrestling entrance music verses with the crooning sing-along chorus. the guitars and drums are okay for fake-ass "extreme" metal, but god damn Taylor fucking blows. production's better than what they usually have.

oh hell yes... Dolph Lundgren monolouge! BIOHAZARD - "Punishment". ahhh the days when Evan Seinfeld wasn't doing porn that disturbed me to my very soul. I still dig Urban Discipline. such awesome grooves, riffs.... it's like Carnivore meets the Geto Boys. arguably the only rap metal album worth anyone's time.

now it's the new one from MASTODON - "Divinations". uggggg... those vocals are fucking abysmal. Drums are way too fucking busy, they've already played these riffs on better songs like "March of the Fire Ants" and "We Built this Come Death". jesus this band went down faster than Lindsey Lohan on a cocaine-caked penis. the solo/leads are alright i guess, but they're just not heavy at all anymore. i'll stick with Lifesblood and "Cut you Up with a Linoleum Knife".

now it's some 1994 TESTAMENT - "Ride...". Never could really get into these guys full throttle. This album is okay... even though the death metal parts reek of "try hard", at least they stayed heavy, and didn't just rehash the same formula when it came to song writing. much respect to them for that, but it still doesn't come through to me.

here's some new PSYOPUS - "The Burning Halo". i dug their last album; Our Puzzling Encounters Considered, and i've always admired them for their energy and agression, which is hard to do with the noodle-metal they play. this sort of reminds me of the Neck song "Patterns". such a brain-damaged tune that one is. this isn't bad at all. i actually like it a bit. then again i'm a sucker for the ugly Rochchester metal groups (SULACO, KALIBAS, MUNGBEANDEMON). Hurm... may have to pick this one up. Liking all the places they're taking the song.

now it's AT THE GATES - "Slaughter of the Soul". i'm gonna take a piss. okay i'm back. blech, i'm soooo tired of this song... ever since a few years ago when i saw 2 ATG knock-offs open for CEPHALIC CARNAGE and BOTH bands covered this fucking song. BOTH covered THE SAME SONG. couldn't you at least gimme something off the Red in the Sky is Ours?

oh good.... SOULFLY - "Unleash". cause it's 1998 somewhere. this crap doesn't even register with me anymore. Shitlock Cavalera has been writing the same record since 1995, and it sucked ass then. Tribal drums and NAILBOMB are not interesting anymore, and they stopped being interesting once i realized that BRUJERIA are not in fact Mexican Druglords who murdered Pete Wilson. christ... he doesn't know how to fucking end a song, eh? you'd think 25 some odd years of playing music would somehow yeild some quality control in the song writing department. guess not.

here's new CYNIC - "Intergral Birth". speaking of bands who should've stayed broken up. They've become BETWEEN THE BURIED AND ME clones. i'm not even kidding. they sound fucking identical. i almost can't believe it. Focus was such a cool, unique record, and this is the best they can give us? it's kind of embarrasing. fuck my life.

next; MORBID ANGEL - "At One With Nothing". they stole that riff from BRUTAL TRUTH - "Collapse". this is from Gateways to Annihilation, probably their most dull record. Heretic was a pissbomb too. Hopefully they can rebound with the next one.... i still think they have it in them. then they can do a tour with PORTAL and DEAD CONGREGATION. then i can cum realllly hard.

next: LORDI - "Bite it Like a Bulldog" from the album Deadache. keee-ripes. this sounds like that awful Gene Simmons solo record... the one with him doing a cover of "Firestarter" by PRODIGY... which is so uniformly awful that i can't even bring myself to hunt down the YouTube and post it for all of you to hear. never say i can't be merciful.

..... RIIIIIIIGHT!

now here's some new KREATOR - "Warcurse". i just don't care. it's nice that it doesn't totally suck, well the vocals do... a little too Devin Townsend sounding for my liking.... but i digress. It's like how many times can you buy the same watered down record from a band well beyond the point of relevancy? i like Kreator a lot... Extreme Aggression and Pleasure to Kill are about as mean and brutal a pair of thrash albums as you'll ever hear... but it's not all there is. those vocals are really awful, though.

ehllo middle school. WHITE ZOMBIE - "More Human than Human". i think i used to masturbate to the porno-moan intro. I like the bass sound on this track, even though i don't think Sean Ysleut is actually playing anything. When my old band covered this song... we realized how un-heavy the guitar truly is on this song.... how un-heavy everything is on it, really. it's all in the production. once you play it live, it's fucking disco glitter rock. Sean Ysleut was kind of hot, though.

alright i've had enough.

Fuck My something something.

riiiiight. i'm sure all the singles in my area look and dress like the ejaculation grenade above. seriously... it's like this lovely is some sort of Weird Science creation composed out of every sexual fantasy my scumhole imagination ever invented. she can't possibly exist but within the many sex rooms of my right hemisphere's constantly oozing pleasure zone.

let's break it down;

1. short black skirt? - check
2. flimsily buttoned long sleeve white top? - check
3. thigh-high fuck-me stockings? - check
4. long curly black hair with crecentic bangs? - check
5. a irresistibly sleepy stare that screams "i'm filthier than 10 pounds of dogshit in a five pound bag..... of dogshit"? - check
6. fuck my life? - check