Thursday, June 4, 2009

We are the Sprocket Holes vol. 87

more tiny movie reviews;

ALIVE - NOM / NOM : Ick... cold food? fucking gross-outs. think this one should've been called Dead Poets Society 2: This Time... the Emphasis is on the DEAD or CANNIBAL FEROX: THE ICE AGE or HA HA!: the Movie. Needed more people being eaten (and COOKED... what are you, animals?) and less boys crying.

CHILD OF RAGE - 10 flat-back baby skulls / 10 burning hotels filled with walking flotsam : Raped infants. Dogs being stabbed with needles. Elderly men felt up by toddlers. Man TV Movies used to be brutal. Seriously, this is the Sutcliffe Jugend of TV Movies. Mean, hopeless, traumatizing... if i keep going i'm gonna have an orgasm. loosley based on a true story that appeared on America Undercover in 1989... but i think it's more comforting to just pretend that this child is just a figment of William Bennet's imagination. oh, and Ashley Peldon;

the star of this little piece, grew up to be quite a piece herself;

mmmmmmm.... i'd sure let her bash the back of my head against a cement floor.

to the rapin' corner!

DRAG ME TO HELL - 8/10: pretty fucking metal. seriously... it was like a Beherit album. go see it for yourself. lot of nods to the original EVIL DEAD trilogy (it may be more of an EVIL DEAD movie than ARMY OF DARKNESS was), well acted, great ending. good to have you back, Sam Raimi.

and i know we'll all be drooling over star Alison Lohman and her adorable lisp, but for my money (by which i mean boners) it doesn't get much hotter than the Gypsy She-Bitch's grand daughter, played by the unfairly hot Bojana Novakovic (christ.. even her fucking name gives me wood.);

sorry i couldn't find a picture of her from the film. trust me though, she just about made me grunt out loud in a theater full of chatty old people. Wait till you hear her accent. I'm now convinced "Bojana Novakovic" translates to "Boners for Nick" (that's me).

976 - EVIL - pfft/whaaaa??? - a pretty fucking stupid slasher directed by Robert Englund. there's some decent surreal moments here and there, but the movie makes no fucking sense whatsoever, and every character seems terminally pea-brained. the chick was pretty hot. she was in Freddy's Dead. I guess Englund had a thing for her. Like his penis. Can you imagine him fucking someone? you think he says witty one-liners before he comes? something like "I'm gonna split you in TWOOOOO... bitch."... and then he does, cause his cock is actually Freddy Krueger. You think he has condoms that looks like Christmas Sweaters? what were we talking about?


Aviva Victor: I know. I believe you because pedophiles love children.


Joyce Victor: [Talking about Aviva's unborn fetus] It's not a baby. It's just a tumor.


Mark Wiener
: People always end up the way they started out. No one ever changes. They think they do but they don't. If you're the depressed type now that's the way you'll always be. If you're the mindless happy type now, that's the way you'll be when you grow up. You might lose some weight, your face may clear up, get a body tan, breast enlargement, a sex change, it makes no difference. Essentially, from in front, from behind. Whether you're 13 or 50, you will always be the same.
Aviva Victor: Are you the same?
Mark Wiener: Yeah.
Aviva Victor: Are you glad you're the same?
Mark Wiener: It doesn't matter if I'm glad. There's no freewill. I mean, I have no choice but to chose what I choose, to do as I do, to live as I live. Ultimately, we're all just robots programmed abritrarily by nature's genetic code
Aviva Victor: Isn't there any hope?
Mark Wiener: For what? We hope or despair because of the way we've been programmed. Genes and randomness, that's all there is and none of it matters.
Aviva Victor: Does that mean you're never going get married and have children?
Mark Wiener: I have no anent desire to get married or have kids. But that's beyond my control. Really, it makes no difference. Since the planet's fast running out of natural resources and we won't make it into the next century.
Aviva Victor: What if you're wrong? What if there is a God?
Mark Wiener: That makes me feel better.

TERMINATOR 4 PART 1: RISE OF THE SALVATION DAY BEGINS - 4/10: the more i think about this movie, the less i like it. Some of the action scenes are ok, but the script... well... where is it? I mean, people are saying stuff and doing things, and everyone looks all glowering and important and bummed and whatever, but there's nothing here to care about. it's better than Terminator 3: Now With Tits, because that was little more than a regurgitated T2 without the style or class of James Cameron, but still it felt like a slightly less dumb (or at least less deliberately goofy) Transformers than a truly bad ass Sci-Fi Action Cyber War Epic that a good Terminator movie should be. No desperation. No passion. No real style or identity to call its own. It's just a bunch of toys moving around an ashy Armageddon playset. it looks like almost everything else that's comes out of this genre for the past few years.

Say whatever you want about his story telling abilities, but James Cameron made you give a shit about the future. in the first movie, you were terrified of this robot monster, this mechanized evil spawned from our own tech-addiction. In the second one, he made you root for it, and you're a damn liar if you say you weren't the least bit moved when the Terminator gave the thumbs up as he was lowered into a volcanic grave. You cared for the heroes, you feared the villains, and you wanted to see where it would all lead.

This was supposed to be the Terminator film i've wanted since i was 9 years old and i watched the opening minutes of T2, armies of robot skeleton people with hand held laser cannons mowing through puny humans, stroking the midnight-blue skies with judgment day orange. I wanted those opening moments to last for the entire film, and held out hope that someday we would get a film that looked and sounded like T2's inaugural moments.

so what do we have here?

well we have Children of Men with Decepticons and the guy who played Batman phoning in his performance. Seriously, i love Bale, but there was more passion and intensity in his on-set tantrum than in his take on John Connor. I liked Helena Bonham Carter's role, but i wanted to see more of it. I want T-800s and Humans doing battle, not invisible motorcycles and cyborgs with hearts of gold and magical trips to the depths of the sea (i can't even explain that one, but it's perhaps the most maddening of all the plot holes here).

And it was a fucking prequel, so you already know who lives and who dies like 5 minutes into watching it. They're still harping on that same story arc ie Preserve John Connor's life or all hope will be lost. Can't we try something new already?


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